The only thing worse than field trips…

Yesterday I threw together Terran’s very first, all-out birthday party complete with decorations, friends, loot bags, and games.
It’s the kid’s 7th birthday.

I should backtrack a little here to explain that it’s not like it’s the first birthday party I’ve ever thrown. My other three kids have been able to brag about some pretty fucken fantastic parties. ‘Cause I’m psycho mom. I’m the mom other mother’s hate. I’m the mom who has themes and everything has to be all matchy-matchy, and I make these extravagant cakes, and I make sure the parents see said extravagant cake when they drop off their progeny, so they can say, “Did you make that?” and I can reply, “Yes, I threw it together this morning,” and then the parents can walk out feeling inferior and failures as party planners.

Poppy over at Funny or Snot made reference to the competitive nature of children’s birthday parties days before I was to host Terran’s. Although I could relate, I could also laugh at her post because I thought that I was past all of that.
After spending thousands hundreds of dollars on parties for the older three, last year I declared, “You’ve all had 10 birthday parties. That’s enough. We’re done. From now on, when it’s your birthday, you can have a friend over for supper. That’s it.”

Terran, however, has never had a big, show-offy bash because every year his birthday lands on Labour Day long weekend so everyone is out of town.
This year though, he wore me down convinced me to throw him a party before everyone gets the hell outta dodge.

Ok. I will throw you a party. Just a small one though.
This time though, I’m not going all psycho mother. I will not make an extravagant cake that will require an all-nighter to finish. I will not spend hundreds of dollars on loot bags. I won’t even buy matching decorations.
This is what I told myself.

…this is what I did…

I made cookies on a stick which were meant to replace the stupid loot bag in which all objects are crap anyway and are broken or lost before the guests get back to their homes.

No, these aren’t the ones I made. Mine look way better, but I forgot to take pictures.
But…BUT I had to go to the Bulk Barn to pick up buttercream icing for the cake. Normally, I make my own icing from scratch because that’s the kind of psychotic crazy bitch I am. But this time, no. Because I’m scaling back on this party. I am controlling my impulse to be the ruler of the land the party planning queen.
When I first walk into the store, I casually wander over to the cellophane gift bags. No. I won’t need these because I’m not doing loot bags. But look at these. They have smiley faces all over them! They would match the smiley face cookies perfectly.
I could have a smiley face theme with a smiley face cake and decorations!

No. NO. I don’t need this. Continue walking.

So I walk. Right towards the candy section. And what do I spot? These fantastic colourful, giant jaw-breakers. Like you can’t even get this thing in your mouth. You sort of have to suck part of it, then the other part. It’s a sugar addicts heaven. And imagine the satisfaction of actually sucking the whole thing down to the bubble gum centre. It could take days, possibly weeks, but what a feeling of fulfillment.
They cost $1.75 each. I’ll have 12 kids. That’s…a helluva lot of money for candy and for a loot bag that I’m not doing.
I was actually having this conversation with myself. Out loud.
I do that sometimes. Talk to myself. My kids don’t even acknowledge this habit of mine anymore. And my dad used to say to me, “As long as nobody answers back, you’re good.”
In the end, I make my way to the cashier who is looking at me weirdly – I blame it on the fact that I’ve got three tubs of buttercream, not because she has just heard me say to nobody in particular, “Honestly, are seven year olds even going to appreciate a giant jaw breaker?”
As she’s ringing me up, my eyes keep shooting back to the cellophane smiley face bags. Then the jaw breakers. And look! They have pixie sticks and little plastic fruits filled with sugar! That would be so cute in a loot bag. Especially with the jaw breaker!
I must have said this out loud because the cashier is backing away from me.
Finally, the psycho mother wins the internal battle.
I fly in the direction of the jaw breakers, calling over my shoulder, “I’ll be right back!”
I return with 12 cellophane bags, 12 jaw breakers, 24 pixie sticks (well, you can’t put just one in the bag, that would be wrong,) 12 plastic fruits (but they are so cute!) and a ton of little round gum balls (’cause they’ll fill up the loot bag nicely and complement the giant jaw breaker!)
Now, however, I’m out of control. Crazy psychotic party mother has taken over my body, and is driving me to the balloon store, where she proceeds to buy twelve smiley face balloons, smiley face table cloth, and smiley face Happy Birthday banner.
Fucken bitch.
She spent way too much money.
Now husband won’t have smiley face.
But just imagine the look on the parents’ faces as you’re sending off their child ladden with smiley face cookie, smiley face loot bag, and smiley face helium balloon.
I am the ruler of the land party planning queen.
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47 Responses to The only thing worse than field trips…
  1. nitebyrd
    September 2, 2010 | 2:28 pm

    And some really smiley faced dentists! ;)

    You've done your son proud, I'll bet he's smiling!

  2. Kristina P.
    September 2, 2010 | 2:30 pm

    I don't have kids, but I definitely have the party planner bug. I go all out. I do an annual Christmas cookie party, and I was crazy. But now, I've scaled back.

  3. Canadianbloggergirl
    September 2, 2010 | 2:42 pm

    ROFLMFAO I've never thought more to myself, than this….that will soooo be me in bdays to come!

  4. Tylaine
    September 2, 2010 | 3:18 pm

    You are so hillarious!!!!
    I would totally be one of those moms on the other end of the spectrum….although not a caddy one that hates moms like you :)

  5. Chandra
    September 2, 2010 | 3:30 pm

    Well…my 9yr old's bday is next month…wanna come and go all psychotic and plan his for me?? LOL!

  6. Danielle
    September 2, 2010 | 3:41 pm

    I would kill for a dozen of those cookies. But it would be useless since I would kill myself for eating them!
    You go party planner!

  7. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    September 2, 2010 | 3:53 pm

    I am sending E over to your next birthday bash! I love it! I don't care if you are that mom, my kid enjoys your party!

  8. Liz
    September 2, 2010 | 3:59 pm

    I don't go crazy with parties. Well, I like to decorate, but I think favors are pointless. And my husband bakes and decorates the cakes, actually. He does pretty well, too!

  9. JennyJenJen
    September 2, 2010 | 4:37 pm

    You are mother, hear you roar!

    Good job at putting the other less fabulous mothers in their place with your fabulousness. But I don't think I can be friends with you anymore because you didn't make your own buttercream from scratch ;)

    haha! i kid, i kid…

  10. Molly Malone
    September 2, 2010 | 4:58 pm

    Kudos to you: I'm hard pressed to make sure my paper plates are the same damn color! Last time I was in Party City, I was found wandering up and down the aisles by one of the staff after 2o minutes. When she asked if I could help, all I could whimper was, "Red…" Pathetic.

  11. Queen of the Rant
    September 2, 2010 | 5:28 pm

    I fuckin love you, I gave you an award on my blog so please check it out

  12. woman:confused
    September 2, 2010 | 5:48 pm

    OMG, I used to be you!! I mean that in the good way.
    I mean, I still talk to myself. Out loud. In public…
    but the party planning omgoshness – you can TOTALLY get carried away! Fortunately for me, the ex is a restaurant manager so now I just let him do all the food stuffs and I let his girlfriend do all the decorating and I just show up with the kids at his house and everyone has fun and I don't have to clean.
    I do still make the cakes though :)

  13. Maggie S
    September 2, 2010 | 6:06 pm

    Since the Queen has already been crowned, that let's the pressure off me. I'll just stay here on the couch with the wet washrag on my forehead.

  14. Mo 'Betta
    September 2, 2010 | 6:27 pm

    Yep, you're the party planning queen and I'm LMAO.

  15. Mamma has spoken
    September 2, 2010 | 6:37 pm

    Hehehe, you bought all that crap which is going to make you the most unpopular mom at that party since you're going to be sending their kid home hiped up on sugar ;o)

  16. Shell
    September 2, 2010 | 6:49 pm

    LMAO!!! I'm actually glad that I usually have at least one of my kids with me when I'm shopping- b/c then when I talk to myself, people just think I'm talking to one of my kids.

  17. Gigi
    September 2, 2010 | 7:03 pm

    I know EXACTLY where you are coming from b/c when mine was small I did the exact same thing! Actually, even though he's too old now for those parties, I still tend to go kind of nuts for any kind of get together we might be having….

  18. Poppy
    September 2, 2010 | 7:54 pm

    Thank you for the shout out. Fuck you for outdoing me, but you are forgiven because you complimented by ass. I suspect you have more than one voice that talks back inside your pretty little head and they are all very funny. XOXO

  19. The Chicken's Consigliere
    September 2, 2010 | 8:59 pm

    Happy Birthday, Terran. I'm with you on the birthday parties. The only thing worse than throwing one is having to accompany your kid to someone else's. But you sure did a great job. I love the cookie idea! I hope you had fun. And wine. I'm sure you can think of some way to put a smile back on your husband's face. Did I just say that?

  20. Jennifer
    September 2, 2010 | 9:09 pm

    We could so hang out! I do the same thing… I relish making others cower before my party-planning skills. Only difference is although I can make pretty cool cakes.. I FREAKING HATE TO MAKE AND DECORATE CAKES. So.. usually I plan parties around my mom's visits so she can do that part. But, seriously, I am thinking I am going to have to throw in the towel soon. Long ago, everyone I know cowered before me, so I am just in competition with myself and previous years now and I think I've peaked. I don't know that I can top myself. So.. I might have to quit. ACK! My most recent foray into party psychoses:

  21. MommaKiss
    September 2, 2010 | 9:18 pm

    insane party planning skills. I went all out for each kid's first party. after that- it's "stop by for some cupcakes and booze." My baby is turning 3 on Sunday. I've got booze.

  22. Lesley
    September 2, 2010 | 9:22 pm

    Isn't that REALLY the way it goes down though? You start out to have a fuss-free party for your child, and somewhere along the way you get derailed by a cute little pencil-top-eraser in the shape of a retro daisy…and the rest goes to hell in a handbasket. Damn kids.

    Loved your post. New follower!!

  23. Mommy This and That
    September 2, 2010 | 9:24 pm

    Ha-ha, you are THAT OTHER mom. It is so easy to go crazy. My son turned 1 back in February and my mother doesn't let me forget that I didn't do a blowout for him. I am ok with that…cause I want to do one when he can appreciate it.

  24. TV's Take
    September 2, 2010 | 9:34 pm

    Too funny! I can just imagine you in a store talking to yourself going "ha, those other mom's are going to be so jealous" Hope the party was fun! Thanks for stopping by

  25. Rebecca
    September 2, 2010 | 10:19 pm

    I seriously don't think that a jaw breaker and some pixie sticks make an awesome party. I am totally not impressed by your party planning skills! Try harder!! Couldn't you fly everyone in a private jet to Disneyland? THEN I'd be impressed.

  26. Joann
    September 2, 2010 | 10:40 pm
  27. Bree
    September 2, 2010 | 10:42 pm

    Love the realness..Love it. :) -

  28. Jill
    September 2, 2010 | 10:53 pm

    Good job Mama! You are the queen. No pics?!! I want one of those cookies!

  29. McKenzie
    September 2, 2010 | 11:06 pm

    You are too funny! Want to throw my son's birthday party? HAHAH!

  30. Mr Monkey
    September 2, 2010 | 11:16 pm

    That was good – very funny
    I am I new follower
    Mr monkey

  31. Another Day of Crazy
    September 2, 2010 | 11:43 pm

    Competitiveness always wins the day! Love it when the other mother's hate us. I mean you. Not me. Cause I would never do that… ummm… nope. (awkward)

  32. Java
    September 3, 2010 | 12:09 am

    Omg this just cracks me up! I remember those parties all too well…Short is still having them. Those darn party bags cost more the the party itself!

  33. Erin
    September 3, 2010 | 12:29 am

    OMG This is me to a T!!! My youngest will be 2 this weekend, no party until next weekend….the kid is two…oh hell no, we are having a HUGE party, full of friends of all ages…the invites were dinosaurs, the loot bags will be too, even if I have to make them myself. I will be making my own dino cake. Screw buying it at the story that is WAY to easy!

    Oh I am so excited I found someone as the ultimate party planner such as myself!!

  34. Tammy
    September 3, 2010 | 12:29 am

    You sound just like me…lol! I do the same thing. This year though for our daughters 10th BD we gave her the choice between the gift she wanted (and ipod touch) and a bd party. She chose the ipod! Awesome! Although we did have family over and one friend. Easy peasy! Going to do the same for our son's 8th party! Woohoo for mom!

  35. Ameena
    September 3, 2010 | 1:02 am

    You are a queen!! Seriously, how do you do it? I start thinking of Maya's birthday and my eyes glaze over and I get totally overwhelmed. So I hand the whole thing over to my mom or my mother-in-law and hide behind my work schedule. Works every time. :)

  36. Opto-Mom
    September 3, 2010 | 3:36 am

    I hate the farking goody bags. Why do I spend so much money filling a little bag with crap?

    We did a Twilight-theme this year, and had 2 cakes…one Team Edward, and one Team Jacob.

    And no, I didn't make either of them. People ask if I made them, and I say, "No, but I spent 80 bucks on them." So I still feel like a superior, awesome mom for my monetary sacrifice.

  37. Farmers Wifey
    September 3, 2010 | 6:49 am

    I'm so jeolous and impressed at the same time…you just couldn't help yourself, as I wouldn't either!!!!!

  38. Whitney Lee
    September 3, 2010 | 7:48 am

    See, I secretly want to have such fabulous bashes but, alas, I'm far too lazy…

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I've vowed to thicken my skin for the yard sale. Let them talk about how awful my stuff is-I won't care. I'm getting rid of it, right?

  39. TKW
    September 3, 2010 | 11:28 am

    What kind of sadist came up with the idea of goody bags, anyways? I want to hunt that person down and eat her (because you know it was a her) eyeballs.

  40. SoccerMom
    September 3, 2010 | 11:35 am

    When my kids were little we used to go all out. and spend way too much money.

    I however wasnt as good as you. : )

    The only we did different was we always bought the other sibling a present. SO that they wouldnt feel left out.

    Even as teens we still do this. My sportsman thinks it is dumb.
    Oh well it makes my kids smile.

  41. Cyrene
    September 3, 2010 | 12:06 pm

    See? I'm not the only one! My daughter's first birthday is coming up and I have a checklist a mile-long of all the things I have yet to do and buy and suppliers that I need to meet with! Glad your boy had and enjoyed his big bash!

  42. Jo
    September 3, 2010 | 1:17 pm

    Omigawd, you are so much fun…! I always felt birthday parties were some sort of childhood blackmail, with each mother trying to outdo the other. You have definitely set the bar very high. *heh*

  43. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    September 3, 2010 | 3:45 pm

    This cracks me up! You are so much like my sister, it's scary! The entire family – grandma, grandpa, nana, grandpa #2, auntie, cousins, best friends, EVERYONE just got back from a weekend getaway at a cabin in the mountains for my neice's 9th birthday party! I give you props… I just don't have that kind of energy:)

  44. Semi-Slacker Mom
    September 3, 2010 | 4:00 pm

    One year Bo had a pirate-themed birthday party & I gave all the children live Beta fish! Some of them of still alive 2 years later! Sassy's party was the least of my psychotic mother/party planner skillz! I'll need 3 dozen cookies on a stick in the shape of butterflies for Baby Girl's party on the 25th. :)

  45. Nancy
    September 3, 2010 | 7:34 pm

    I love themes, matching, etc. Your party planning sounds great! Hope it was a fun time for the kids!


  46. BeMistified
    September 3, 2010 | 8:20 pm

    OMG I see a little part of me in you! I am so competitive and I can't have anyone show me up, especially when it comes to my kid! FanFREAKINGtastic! Oh and it is a must that everything matches. =D

  47. Lourie
    September 5, 2010 | 2:00 am

    We do milestone parties. This year all three get a party. 5, 10 and gasp 13! *faints*

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