My randomness has no boundaries

I am joining up with the Unmom for Random Tuesday Thoughts. I’ve been wanting to get in on this action since June, but alas, my thoughts are always so clear and organized, and I’m such a fountain of information and accuracy that randomness is not something I’m comfortable with…
You guys buying any of this?
No.
I didn’t think so.
Basically I kept forgetting.
————————————————————————————————————

At the top of my list of randomness is my nursing class today in which we were learning… actually, I can’t even be sure what we were learning. I’m sure it was very important, and will probably serve me well in my career as a nurse.
However, I was too busy staring at the teacher’s boobs.
No. I’m not a lesbian. But she was wearing this tight knit sweater, and her breasts were like, “Check me out! Yeah, you in the front row…yeah, you, the one who stuffs your bra!”

I leaned over to the girl next to me and said, ”She has got great tits,” which prompted my friend to snort with laughter. Had she been drinking her tea, I’m quite certain it would have been all over her notes, then there would be two of us wandering around the hospital, ignorant to certain ailments because we hadn’t been paying attention in that class because of my obsession with nicely shaped boobs.

————————————————————————————————————-
My daughter is ten years old. She is a dancer. Her hair needs to be pulled back into this very specific bun complete with a precise amount of bobby pins, gel, hair net, and head band.

My daughter who has a big stick up her ass when it comes to how her hair should be done, will spend the entire time staring at herself in the mirror while I’m maneuvering a hairbrush through piles of blond hair, elastic, pins, and hairspray, critiquing my every move, “Mom, the bun is too high. Now it’s too low. It’s to the left.”

Last weekend, a friend of hers came over before dance and offered to do Zoe’s hair.
Terrific, right!
Wrong.
Zoe comes out of the bathroom with this lovely little bun.

HOWEVER, it’s parted on the side, which Zoe has strictly forbidden me from doing. She prefers it slicked back so tight, you could skate on her goddamned head.
The bun was low, at the base of her neck.
Again, Zoe has this specific spot on her head where she insist the bun be situated. Like a bulls-eye.

When she comes out of the bathroom, she looks at me with parted hair and bun sitting at the base of her thick skull, and says to me (in that infuriating little prehormonal bitch tone) “This is so much better than the way you do it, Mom.”

I’m pretty sure the child has no idea how close she came to being dragged up and down the street, by that perfect little bun.

———————————————————————————————————–

My daughter showed me a picture that my ex sent her via email. It’s a shot of him and his wife at the gym. He’s shirtless. She’s wearing a sports bra. Both are flexing for the camera.

My daughter found the photo weird.

I found it a blatant reminder of what an idiot I was in my twenties. I married this man. And, presumably, I was of sound mind.
How did I not see this? ‘Cause let’s face it, flexing his bicep muscles in my face is nothing new. He’s chased me down at our children’s sporting events before to say, “Have you seen how big and buffed I am?”
It was awkward then.
It’s even more awkward now.

I guess it was too much to hope that with age would come wisdom.
In his case, I suspect with age will come an ever greater need to be validated.

I wonder if I rub his belly and say, “Whose the stupid boy with the big  muscles? That’s right, you’re the stupid boy with the big muscles?” if the validation will mean that we won’t be subjected to his narcissism more than once a year.
 ’Cause lets face it: There’s not enough room in this country for the two of us!

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63 Responses to My randomness has no boundaries
  1. Ashley
    September 29, 2010 | 12:29 am

    Ha! Great random thoughts. :)

  2. Kristina P.
    September 29, 2010 | 12:30 am

    I think that everyone can appreciate a nice pair of boobs.

  3. conflictedmeangirl
    September 29, 2010 | 12:31 am

    I find your randomness comforting. Also, rest assured you are not the only heterosexual woman who has been completely enamored by a nice rack.

  4. The Zany Housewife
    September 29, 2010 | 12:59 am

    "Whose the stupid boy with the big muscles? That's right, you're the stupid boy with the big muscles?" Oh man. Too damn funny.
    And boobies make me smile. Unless they're mine. And then I cry.

  5. SkippyMom
    September 29, 2010 | 1:14 am

    You didn't use the word "drool" once in this post.

    Shame on you. Great boobs AND your ex's abs? Have you lost your mind woman?

  6. SkippyMom
    September 29, 2010 | 1:15 am

    PS Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

  7. sexylegsandbody
    September 29, 2010 | 1:28 am

    Great post, I am not a boobs guy really, as you more then likely know by now, but I can appreciate a good pair. However not so I battle to look the girl in the eye. Your description of the boobs in this post was hilarious though.
    I also read your post on restless legs, I do not have it when I need to sleep, although when younger I had the problem and battled to sleep. However, and I do not pretend to be an expert, I am not, but I now get restless legs when I sit for too long. Now I have been wondering if this has something to do with blood circulation. I can only sit for so long and then I have to walk around, and it is better for a while. So maybe you can test this, if you lay on your back, is it worse than when on your side… now don't laugh, it is worth a try. I think it can also be related to stress, shit, who knows…

    Anyway, let me know if it works, I would love to know.

    Hope your day is fabulous.
    Colin.
    Ps, still painting your toe nails? :)

  8. Matty
    September 29, 2010 | 1:59 am

    I'm betting that if you, as a woman, found her boobs appealing, then by gosh, they must have been pretty dang nice. I myself like a nice pair of boobs. Just sayin'.

    Kids….gotta love 'em. Even when they drive you crazy.

    Hmmm, men and their egos. LOL

  9. Patricia ~ The Naked Writer
    September 29, 2010 | 2:12 am

    lol a nice set of boobs never fails to distract!
    I love how thoughtful you were in your randomness…usually when i read random tuesday posts, it's just a bunch of disjointed thoughts that don't really flow ….but yours were all flowy and super good! (i don't have much of a vocab today i am all high on hot chocolate *giggles)
    I guess what I am trying to say is that i heart your posts! You Rock!
    I think that you are living proof that some of us do grow up and become wise definately not the majority but that's what makes us soooo special!
    I have a confession to make, I was just like your daughter when I was that age…nothing my nanna (that's who raised me) did was right, everything she did was stupid and wrong and i just hated her and i don't know why…i feel for you, i really do! Just know, in time, this too shall pass
    have a great day lovely lady xx

  10. A girl needs 2 Talk
    September 29, 2010 | 2:29 am

    Wow! Just look at you! That's the first post of yours I read and you've got so much to say! Very entertaining! You're going to have me coming back!

  11. Canadianbloggergirl
    September 29, 2010 | 5:59 am

    LOL!!!!!!!! dragging your daughter up the street by her bun! I can always depend on a good laugh (I am a good mother, I swear!)

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

  12. Jessica
    September 29, 2010 | 6:11 am

    Teenage daughters! I fear my children being like me! I love your brutal honesty!

  13. Julianna
    September 29, 2010 | 6:53 am

    No worries, I check out boobs too. Mainly becasue I'm trying to see if there's a bra out there that can give me the support I need too… and yes, I have actually asked some women where they get their bras. I'm weird, I know. And remarkably, no one cares. -J

  14. Just Plain Tired
    September 29, 2010 | 7:17 am

    Hey, don't feel bad. Nice boobs can be a distraction. ;)

  15. Mamma has spoken
    September 29, 2010 | 7:36 am

    I notice nice boobs too. Those perky, bounce a quarter off boobs that are so firm you can't help notice them boobs.
    Thanks now you made me sound weird……

  16. Deborah
    September 29, 2010 | 7:39 am

    Aaaaaahahaha! The description of your daughter is making tears squirt out of my eyes.

    I only had two kids so no leaking anywhere else. ;)

  17. Snuggle Wasteland
    September 29, 2010 | 7:56 am

    We all did stupid things in our 20's. Thank God I never married any of them.

  18. Diane
    September 29, 2010 | 8:02 am

    I think I dated your ex for 3 years in high school. He asked me to marry him on my 19th birthday. Thank God I didn't! He LOVED to flex his muscles and tell everyone how large his member was. I guess I didn't know any better back then! Love your randomness! Following…:)

  19. Pragmatic Spector
    September 29, 2010 | 8:38 am

    Haha "who's the stupid boy with big muscles?" HAHAHAHAHA! yeah I find it hard to believe you were attracted to a douche like that. Your daughter is a fledgling prima Donna it's so funny.

  20. Rachel M.
    September 29, 2010 | 8:43 am

    I can't figure out why your ex would send a photo like that to his daughter??? Weird guy.

    Love your blog, thanks for the laughs!

  21. Raquel's World
    September 29, 2010 | 8:52 am

    Love the piece about the daughters bun. Don't they just love to spite us. The next time she needs a bun I'd tell her to call her homie over so it can be perfect.

  22. Debbie(single;complicated)
    September 29, 2010 | 9:05 am

    LOVE your random thoughts!!! I can so relate to the 10 year olds bun! NOT because my daughter dances but because she is 10 and well.. 'nuff said!:)

  23. SoccerMom
    September 29, 2010 | 9:36 am

    I love random shit! Keep up the good work!

  24. Jennifer Juniper
    September 29, 2010 | 9:51 am

    I hate dance buns!! Mine doesn't want to wear them and in general doesn't let me mess with her hair, she wants grandma to do, so obviously I'm not as good as grandma because I haven't had the opportunity to practice!! Infuriating little girl children!!
    And your ex creeps me out a little, just so you know.

  25. Bouncin' Barb
    September 29, 2010 | 10:22 am

    I'm wiping the tears of my face from laughing too hard. OMG this was hysterical. Can so relate to all of it. Thanks for the morning laughter!! Its way better than my morning coffee and that's pretty damn good.

  26. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    September 29, 2010 | 11:00 am

    lmao @ your daughter. how cute :P i always think it's funny listening to parent's rants (cus most of the time they're gushing about how adorable their kid is/their first words, etc) i can dig it :)

    sign me up to be your first patient, by the way.

  27. Big Fat Gini
    September 29, 2010 | 11:31 am

    Oy vey.

    You know, I was thinking that the whole "hey look at my tits" thing was strictly college students in the south. Apparently not. Whatever, you know in like six months you're gonna hear that she's banging another student.

  28. ournextchapters.com
    September 29, 2010 | 12:07 pm

    Glad I'm not the only one who can't help but notice great tits! Maybe i'm envious… lol

    And the ex… yes, I feel ya… i get constant reminders on how stupid I was to marry him as well. *sigh*

  29. Danielle
    September 29, 2010 | 12:14 pm

    Hmmm, I may have dated your ex. You had to know I would relate to this one! Meat heads were soooo my thing back in the day.
    Maybe that is where we got the whole "I like a nice pair of tits" thing from. LOL

  30. Quirkyloon
    September 29, 2010 | 12:19 pm

    Who said random has to be organized?

    hee hee

    And I'm a boob-starer too! And I'm not a lesbian. But some women really put it out there…and when they gots the headlights? It's screaming: Look at me!

    hee hee

  31. Alexis AKA MOM
    September 29, 2010 | 12:23 pm

    Oh girl the hair that would have me bouncing off the walls. I'm having the worst time just getting my oldest out the door with breakfast in his tummy and not the shirt :) .

    Thanks for following, I'm a new follower too :)

  32. Monkey Man
    September 29, 2010 | 12:24 pm

    Kids…gotta love em….wanna kill em. At least you didn't use the term "sweater meat" in reference to your teacher's boobs. Bad enough you let your boob envy show. As to ex-doofus – obviously still wading in the shallow end of the kiddy pool. You made a fortunate escape.

  33. Hutch
    September 29, 2010 | 12:33 pm

    I was the same way with my bun when I danced. I only wish I had figured our the side part earlier…looks way better!!

  34. VandyJ
    September 29, 2010 | 12:40 pm

    I'm sooo glad I have boys. Just saying.
    AND yes I think I would have stared at the boobs if they were on display like that.

  35. Queen of the Rant
    September 29, 2010 | 12:41 pm

    Love your randomness

  36. The Fitness Guru
    September 29, 2010 | 1:01 pm

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud in the chair in my office in the middle of the day. I'm sure the other people in my office are jealous that I'm having a good time.. reading blogs. lol

    - Rick

  37. Nicole
    September 29, 2010 | 1:06 pm

    Fab! Great RTT post! I started this week, too. Hope I can keep the randomness up for subsequent weeks. It's intimidating, no?

    Nicole (Ninja Mom)

  38. Amy
    September 29, 2010 | 1:32 pm

    I love random posts! They always make me laugh.

    Thanks for popping by my blog, nice to meet you.

  39. Semi-Slacker Mom
    September 29, 2010 | 2:32 pm

    You are out of control!! But for reals, you can always move to GA.

  40. crazy ramblings of a tired mom
    September 29, 2010 | 2:54 pm

    I so love your blog, it is freaking hilarious. And hey we all stare at boobs, they are just there, and when they are huge, it's hard not to look. 10 year old ballerina, yeah, got myself one of those. She's lucky I haven't beaten her with the hair brush yet!

  41. GB Girl
    September 29, 2010 | 4:35 pm

    Hilarious! Thanks for making me spit my water out all over my desk. At least I didn't damage any future life saving information. Just my grocery list.

  42. McVal
    September 29, 2010 | 5:35 pm

    LOL! My daughter is SO like yours! I would get so frustrated taking her to the fabric store for an important dress event. Then have her say "No, that looks stupid" to every suggestion I had. So I invited one of her friends to come along to bounce the ideas off. Left them alone and they came up with the fabric ideas on their own in record time. And my daughter loved it. It would have taken her and me several visits and tears before agreeing on something…

  43. Gigi
    September 29, 2010 | 6:06 pm

    And this is why I was only blessed with a boy – because I would have lost it completely and totally if I had received that reaction regarding the bun……

  44. K(Banterings of a Basketcase)
    September 29, 2010 | 7:23 pm

    There is always something to distract me in class! The wazy a teacher says a word, how she wears her hair, her boobs in a too tight shirt, …..

    Now I have the talk to the dog voice in my head. When boyfriend comes home, I am bound to say "how's the sexy boyfriend?" and throw him a goodie.

  45. The Mayor!
    September 29, 2010 | 8:08 pm

    OMG, did I write this??? From the brat diva with the frikkin hair, to the idiot man-child who requires more attention than all 4 of my kids put together….& I SOOOO want in on Random Thoughts, cause I do posts like that now & then just to get a bunch of goofy little things off of my chest, had no idea someone was smart enough to turn it in to a meme so we wouldn't look like flaming 'tards with our random posts lol!

  46. Busy Working Mama
    September 29, 2010 | 8:25 pm

    Oh god, please let me continue living in denial and thinking my Lily will always be "mommy's girl, and not daddy's girl, maybe I'll be daddy's girl tomorrow, ok?" and won't complain how I do her precious blond pony tail every morning one day. I refuse to believe this could happen. I don't want to think about it.

    As for the ex and the boobs, well, no comment on the ex except (weird!) but at least small boobs don't droop. That's the benefit I see about my nice A cup perky boobs.

  47. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    September 29, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    That was quite a pic for her to receive…nice! I love your response though!

  48. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    September 29, 2010 | 11:15 pm

    At least it wasn't a leopard print bikini and speedo!

  49. Deidra
    September 30, 2010 | 12:54 am

    I had a teacher in middle school who never seemed to wear a bra…it was terribly distracting. :(

  50. SquirrelQueen
    September 30, 2010 | 4:54 am

    I am new to your blog and random thoughts which I now love. I laughed out loud reading about the dancer's bun. It sounds just like my step daughter. I could never get it right no matter how beautiful it looked. But if her aunt did it, no matter how bad it looked, the little darling would rave about how perfect it was.

  51. A Daft Scots Lass
    September 30, 2010 | 6:50 am

    You have an award, M'am

  52. Doc
    September 30, 2010 | 8:05 am

    Hey great Tits… LOL you are too funny!

  53. JennyJenJen
    September 30, 2010 | 8:34 am

    bah ha! love you..

  54. Katy
    September 30, 2010 | 9:55 am

    As a person with big boobs I can understand how hard it can be to find shrits that are fitting, but don't scream "LOOK RIGHT HERE!" but yeah… I convinced some people just don't look in the mirror enough.

    And the story about your ex made me laugh. My ex has away of doing little things like that that just make me so glade I'm not with him any more.

  55. vickilikesfrogs
    September 30, 2010 | 11:28 am

    Just wanted to let you know you have a blog award waiting for you over at Glitter Frog!

    And, umm, I stare at boobs, too!

  56. daniela
    September 30, 2010 | 12:02 pm

    Boobies! We all love 'em :)

    And thank you for proving that i am NOT the only one that wants to drag a child by their hair. With the large age difference between my sis & i, i often feel like another parent. One who has ZERO patience for teenage bitch bullshit. All in the name of love of course haha

  57. The Random Blogette
    September 30, 2010 | 12:32 pm

    that is very awkward that your ex would send your daughter a pic of him and his wife shirtless at the gym. Very strange!

    Also, I can't even imagine when my daughter will not be screaming at me about her hair. It is hard enough for her to let me put her hair in a ponytail, I can't imagine her holding still so I can put it in a bun. And I remember always wanting a little girls so I can do her hair. paybacks are a fucking bitch! It sucks!

  58. nitebyrd
    September 30, 2010 | 1:48 pm

    You have such an incredibly twisted mind. I so love that.

  59. Susan DiMickele
    September 30, 2010 | 2:50 pm

    You crack me up. And I love your sassy style. Thanks for your comment. I'll be back.

  60. Chandra
    September 30, 2010 | 4:58 pm

    Sadly, I look at other women's boobs entirely too much, I'm not a lesbian, I just find them fascinating…my husband loves me for that :)

    Your Ex = wierd. He's obviously still got a thing for you…too bad so sad right?!

  61. Mr Monkey
    September 30, 2010 | 5:42 pm

    Love the sarcasm – very funny
    Mr Monkey

  62. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 1, 2010 | 11:48 pm

    "He's chased me down at our children's sporting events before to say, "Have you seen how big and buffed I am?""

    This so pathetic it's funny.

  63. Tooje
    October 3, 2010 | 9:07 am

    So is this your daughter's father….sending her pics of him flexing at the gym??? That's just…..

    weird.

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