- Even if you’ve just had a fricken buffet ten minutes before arriving at the beach, make sure you feed the kids upon arrival. This will ensure that they will run off happily to play instead of camping out on the cooler pestering you incessantly for treats.
- When you arrive at the beach, scout it out carefully. You want to set yourself up next to someone larger than you are, especially if you’re feeling bloated. And no matter what size you are, believe me ladies, there will always be someone bigger.
- While you’re walking around the beach, if you notice an abnormal amount of stares, keep you chin up, remain confident, and strut your ass into the nearest bathroom to have a quick looksie in the mirror - sometimes you’re just going to turn heads ’cause your smokin’ hot. Other times your nipple will have shifted out of the bathing suit.
- Ladies, full makeup at the beach is unnecessary and unattractive: eyeliner melts and mascara runs.
- When your bathing suit bottom creeps up into your butt, pull it out. Believe me, it’s far less humiliating to be digging the bikini out, than it is to be displaying one ass cheek.
When your significant other points out that you must have forgotten to shave your bikini area, issue a firm elbow to his gut, and turn onto your stomach, accepting that you’re just going to have to work on tanning your back for today.
In the event that you have indeed forgotten to shave this area, it’s quite possible other nether regions have been neglected as well. If this is the case, refrain from certain positions, such as kneeling, crouching, squatting, or bending over. There’s no need to display the undergrowth to the other beach goers.
Avoid making eye contact with any man who wears a Speedo. Do you really want to explain to this guy that you were staring, not because you actually care about the shape of the contents, but because your significant other threatened to buy one just like it if you continued to insist he come to the beach on his day off?
And finally, if you do go into the water, do not expect to look sexy or alluring as you come trudging out of the surf. Sagging bottoms and wet hair plastered to your face will not make you look like Cameron Diaz does when they display pictures of her surfing in US magazine.
Not Cameron Diaz… see what I mean?