Tips for a More Enjoyable Beach Experience

  • Even if you’ve just had a fricken buffet ten minutes before arriving at the beach, make sure you feed the kids upon arrival. This will ensure that they will run off happily to play instead of camping out on the cooler pestering you incessantly for treats.
  • When you arrive at the beach, scout it out carefully. You want to set yourself up next to someone larger than you are, especially if you’re feeling bloated. And no matter what size you are, believe me ladies, there will always be someone bigger.
  • While you’re walking around the beach, if you notice an abnormal amount of stares, keep you chin up, remain confident, and strut your ass into the nearest bathroom to have a quick looksie in the mirror - sometimes you’re just going to turn heads ’cause your smokin’ hot. Other times your nipple will have shifted out of the bathing suit.
  • Ladies, full makeup at the beach is unnecessary and unattractive: eyeliner melts and mascara runs.
  • When your bathing suit bottom creeps up into your butt, pull it out. Believe me, it’s far less humiliating to be digging the bikini out, than it is to be displaying one ass cheek.
  • When your significant other points out that you must have forgotten to shave your bikini area, issue a firm elbow to his gut, and turn onto your stomach, accepting that you’re just going to have to work on tanning your back for today.
  • In the event that you have indeed forgotten to shave this area, it’s quite possible other nether regions have been neglected as well. If this is the case, refrain from certain positions, such as kneeling, crouching, squatting, or bending over. There’s no need to display the undergrowth to the other beach goers. 
  • Avoid making eye contact with any man who wears a Speedo. Do you really want to explain to this guy that you were staring, not because you actually care about the shape of the contents, but because your significant other threatened to buy one just like it if you continued to insist he come to the beach on his day off?
                                            
  • And finally, if you do go into the water, do not expect to look sexy or alluring as you come trudging out of the surf. Sagging bottoms and wet hair plastered to your face will not make you look like Cameron Diaz does when they display pictures of her surfing in US magazine.
            Cameron Diaz                                           
                                                   
       Not Cameron Diaz… see what I mean?
                                       
                                                                   
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34 Responses to Tips for a More Enjoyable Beach Experience
  1. Julie
    August 3, 2010 | 3:49 am

    Great post and oh so true! Stopping by from the blog hop.

  2. Cecelia Winesap
    August 3, 2010 | 9:40 am

    Hi Sandra!

    Your blog is beyond funny! Love this post and I am now officially grossed out for the day!

  3. nitebyrd
    August 3, 2010 | 11:14 am

    You've given me more than enough reasons never to go to the beach again. ;)

  4. Dina
    August 3, 2010 | 11:34 am

    omg this gave me the best laugh this morning. following from follow tuesday

  5. Crystal Escobar
    August 3, 2010 | 12:01 pm

    haha, you're so funny! I love it! My favorite is the forgetting to shave your bikini area. That has totally happend to me before :)

  6. SurferWife
    August 3, 2010 | 1:01 pm

    Very Cute! You definitely know your way around the beach!

    You'd fit in just fine around my parts.

    I'm your newest follower. :)

  7. Mom's Review for you
    August 3, 2010 | 5:17 pm

    Hi!
    I am following you! I hope you will follow me too!

    Have a great day.
    Melissa

    http://momsreview4you.blogspot.com/

  8. FeliciaE
    August 3, 2010 | 8:41 pm

    This post is great! I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

    Glad to be your newest follower via FMBT

    http://www.livingjustlikegrandmahousewife.blogspot.com

  9. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    August 3, 2010 | 10:34 pm

    Hilarious! I love them all. The pube pic was the best though. Sick but funny!

  10. Niki @ Ambitious Gurl
    August 3, 2010 | 10:48 pm

    Sandra, Thanks for stopping by my blog. LOL I actually have 4 blogs. Not a vampire just crazy I guess. LOL thanks for the laugh from this post.. makes me want to wear blinders the next time I am at the beach. LOL

    Have a great day!

  11. Nicole
    August 3, 2010 | 11:16 pm

    Ha HILARIOUS! I'm your newest follower. Can't wait to read more!

  12. Marie
    August 3, 2010 | 11:22 pm

    Hi there,

    I am your newest follower from Tuesday Tag Along. Loving your blog…just too funny. :)

    Hope you'll drop me a visit as well. Thanks

    Marie The Things We Find Inside

  13. The Mayor!
    August 4, 2010 | 12:19 am

    LMFAO! Where was this post when we went to the beach over the weekend??!! I'd have done a sky drop of copies of it, since I witnessed (or committed??!!) every single faux pas mentioned here! Love it! :-D

  14. Design It Chic
    August 4, 2010 | 4:09 am

    Absolutely fun post!!!!:):) Oh and since i am here, just know that I today we have a huge giveaway on my blog from Julie The Fish Designs *hand stamped jewelry*! Maybe you want to join in;) Happy Wednesday!

  15. Diane
    August 4, 2010 | 8:09 am

    Great and funny blog! I'm following you back from http://nonutsformypeanut.blogspot.com/. Thanks for the encouraging words you left me.

  16. Nickie @ Southern Expressions
    August 4, 2010 | 8:21 am

    lol…I needed that laugh this morning! Thanks for stopping by and for the follow. I'll definitely return the favor. Oh, and by the way, love the Breaking Dawn ticker over there…. Team EDWARD! ;)

  17. Mamma has spoken
    August 4, 2010 | 9:31 am

    I think you sum up why I don't like going to the beach. Well except for the fact that there is no great way to clean the sand out of you hootchy without getting stares.

  18. Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com
    August 4, 2010 | 10:43 am

    Too funny!
    Visiting from TTA, I am now following you, sorry for the late visit.
    Wishing you a great day!
    B

  19. the eternal list
    August 4, 2010 | 10:53 am

    cool blog! peace :)

  20. ModernMom
    August 4, 2010 | 11:03 am

    Bwhahah U are hilarious. #2 is my fave. Must always sit next to someone MUCH larger!

  21. The 3am Cloth Diaper Mama
    August 4, 2010 | 11:44 am

    Hahaha! :) Love it. Thanks for the follow and Im loveing your blog too.

  22. Makeupthoughts
    August 4, 2010 | 1:37 pm

    Hey

    Thanks for stopping by my blog…Your blog is lovely…I am now following you too:))

    Dee

  23. cfoxes33
    August 4, 2010 | 2:16 pm

    LOL. Very enjoyable.

  24. Holly Ruggiero, Southpaw
    August 4, 2010 | 2:19 pm

    Hum, I'm a little scared to head to the beach now. I better take my super dark sunglasses.

  25. Kimberly
    August 4, 2010 | 4:12 pm

    I love reading your blog… keep up the great work!
    Swing by my blog to pick up an award for being awesome!

    http://amoroccan-acat-and-my-bigass.blogspot.com/

    All the best,
    Kim

  26. Michelle
    August 4, 2010 | 8:50 pm

    This entire post was fucking hilarious! I'm a chunky girl and I know what I'm capable of. Learn your limits and stick with them!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! There IS a button on my blog. It's down on the right. I'll move it up so it's easier to spot.

    Michelle
    http://pietrosmomma.blogspot.com/

  27. Poppy
    August 5, 2010 | 12:57 am

    Never look at the schlong in the thong…I love it.

  28. Holly
    August 5, 2010 | 4:18 am

    This is GREAT!! You know what I discovered? On a cruise I'm one of the SMALLER ones!! ;p Pretty scary… especially the ones wearing bikinis… so when they walk, from the front you can't SEE the bottoms! UGH! Come on ladies… You can't be THAT secure. Can you?? *sigh*

  29. Mary Catherine
    August 5, 2010 | 7:47 pm

    Hi! I am your newest follower from Welcome Wednesday!

  30. Mary Catherine
    August 5, 2010 | 7:49 pm

    i am laughing out loud right now, just shared with my sisters and mom! They needed a good laugh :)

  31. Steph
    August 5, 2010 | 8:17 pm

    I needed this laugh! Thank You! Are you sure you werent reading my mind as you were typing this blog??!?!?! Hope you have a great weekend!

  32. Style Attic
    August 5, 2010 | 9:41 pm

    What a scream! I'm at the beach with my family right now and I've thought about doing a similar post :) The visual pollution is outrageous!!! Thanks for the laugh!

  33. Amanda-The Nutritionist Reviews
    August 7, 2010 | 5:41 pm

    Hello! I am a new reader! Please follow me back at The Nutritionist Reviews and Giveaways: http://couponclippingnutritionist.blogspot.com/

    I love this post! Too funny!

  34. Cameron
    August 8, 2010 | 8:13 pm

    You are seriously hilarious Sandra!! I love this!! Gotta say, though, the pictures of the pubes made me want to puke. Ewwww

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