Happiest place on earth, my ass

Finally, after many years of hearing about it, visualizing the experience, and talking about it, my family and I went to Disneyworld yesterday.
Upon entering Magic Kingdom, we were greeted by a terrific parade of Disney characters dancing to Hannah Montana tunes. The sight of the castle was exactly as I had imagine it: breathtaking, beautiful, spectacular. They don’t call it Magic Kingdom for nothing.

However – and you knew there was going to be a ‘however’ because really, would I write an entire post full of warm fuzzies. Nope…
…So… however, from what I witnessed during my 8 hours there, the magic in this kingdom must turn otherwise loving gentle mothers (let’s just pretend) into raging lunatics. I have never seen so many moms losing it on their kids in one place. If social services got paid per case, they’d have a fucken hayday prowling the Disneyworld parks.

Waiting in line to meet the Disney Princesses, I watched a mother tell her three year old, who was prancing up and down with her knees glued together, that she could not go to the bathroom because they would lose their spot in line.
Said little girl had her hair slicked back in glittery goo, done up in a tightly wound chignon with matching fantastical curly hairpiece that fell to the middle of her back. Her face was covered in Disney-esque makeup to make her appear as, what I could only assume was Cinderella, the Toddler Years. She was donning a flowing, diamond encrusted gown. And of course, on top of her pretty little plastic head was a tiara, probably donated by Donald Trump himself.
She was very cute, I’ll give her that, even if her costume was worth more than my house.

But she had to pee.

I watched, fascinated, that the mother was willing to go through all this time, effort, and money to give her daughter this fantastic experience, have her meet Sleeping Beauty, Belle, and Cinderella, have her captured on film by the Disney photographers, but…BUT to have her daughter be the only royalty in the photo with a big pee stain down the front of her million dollar ball gown.

I turned to the mother and said, “Take your daughter to the bathroom, I’ll save your spot in line.”
Crazy fucken psycho princess-in-training’s mother gives me the once over, and perhaps because I wasn’t wearing a ball gown and must have looked fishy as a result of this, replied, “No, that’s ok.”

I should amend here though, and mention, that shortly after refusing my offer, she said, “Would you mind?” and before I could say anything, anything like, “Well, DUH, of course I wouldn’t mind, I just said that didn’t I?” princess-in-training’s mother flies through the throng of other children, dragging princess-in-training behind her.

Later on in the day, while we were on the train going from one area of Magic Kingdom to another, I was watching a mother and her four year old son interacting. She was one of these mothers that makes lots of loving cooing noises so everyone around her will look at her and think, “Awww, she’s making lots of loving cooing noises… Anybody have a bat?”
Well, the kid who was being lovingly cooed to must have felt the same way because he leans over and BITES his mom on the neck.
Seriously!
Too many episodes of  Vampire Diaries? Not long enough on the breast? Who knows.
But the mother lets out this loud, “What the freak!”
What the freak? Come on. Say it right lady. What the fuck! What the fuck is what you say when your child, who has all his teeth and uses them to eat ribs and steak, gnaws on your skin. In public.
Even my kids leaned over to me and repeated, “What the freak? What does that mean?”
It means what the fuck! What the fuck!
Unfortunately, I witnessed all kinds of episodes that day of parents dragging crying children out of souvenir shops, away from ice cream vendors, and out of lineups. Many of these parents were cursing at their children. Out loud. Like right there for half the world to see and hear. And even though some of them were doing it in other languages, when you hear “Bastardo! Bastardo!” you just know that parent needs a shoulder to cry on and a drink.
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74 Responses to Happiest place on earth, my ass
  1. Poppy Kat
    August 24, 2010 | 9:01 pm

    what a pity you live on the other side of the world, i think we would get on mighty fine.

  2. Roxy
    August 24, 2010 | 9:07 pm

    Wow, I can't believe that someone would actually tell their child no to using the bathroom all for the sake of a photo. Yeah, the Disney princesses are pretty cool, but having an accident definitely isn't. Some parents just amaze me.

  3. Dazee Dreamer
    August 24, 2010 | 9:10 pm

    Thank you so much for that post. You just made my day.

  4. Canadianbloggergirl
    August 24, 2010 | 9:11 pm

    OMG!!! I've never been to Disney World/Land whatever its called, but I have been to Canada's Wonderland, and didn't have that experience. I can't believe how some interactions between parent and child happen in public (never mind closed doors). No one is a perfect parents, but refusing your child to pee? Oh and bite me, I bite you back!

  5. Mamma has spoken
    August 24, 2010 | 9:20 pm

    Well I have to give you some kind of award.
    You made me laugh, cry and shake my head and say, "Oh no she didn't" all at the same time.
    Good job, good job!

  6. Brooke
    August 24, 2010 | 9:30 pm

    You are the best thing to happen to Disney World since Prince freakin' Charming!

    Hope you are having a wonderful vacation!

  7. Amanda
    August 24, 2010 | 9:41 pm

    Bwhahahahaha omg this is just like the last time I went to Disney with my parents. Only sadly I was 14 and my brother was 11, we were horrors. It was hot and we were miserable, our hotel off property was smelly and gross (booked through a travel agent, we moved half way through the week) and we were assholes to say the least.

    The day we got to Epcot my dad found a pub in England and parked his butt there the whole day…..looking back I don't blame him at all ;)

  8. Midwestern Mama Holly
    August 24, 2010 | 9:41 pm

    When we lived in Florida we had resident passes to all 3 parks. The money I saved on each days entrance we would use to stay in one of the parks resorts. I was always sure to take plenty of liquor so I could be good and ready to face the madness when we got there. Which makes me sound like a horrible mother, but if Im going to face $8 for a bottle of water and freaking stinky people… Im going to be buzzed.

  9. Julianna
    August 24, 2010 | 9:55 pm

    BWHA HA HA Ha HA!!! I feel like an awesome parent now!

    Thanks! -J

  10. Charlene
    August 24, 2010 | 10:02 pm

    Hahaha….Love this!

  11. Ami
    August 24, 2010 | 10:07 pm

    Took my kids to Disney in CA in 1996… BEFORE Hannah Montana.

    Thank gawd.

    As for the rest of it? Yes. Disney turns parents into psychos. And so far, it hasn't worn off.

  12. Mommy's Sippy Cup
    August 24, 2010 | 10:19 pm

    Omg!!! You actually said you would hold the space in line and the crazy mom didn't take her child to the bathroom?! I wish the kid would have peed on her foot! Okay, that's bad….but still. What is wrong with some people! It's freakin Disneyland!

  13. Theres just life
    August 24, 2010 | 10:29 pm

    Ah the joys of the magic kingdom. Too much overload. Too much food, fun, sun and stress. And above all too much to do and see in one day. Hope you made it in one piece.

  14. Ash
    August 24, 2010 | 10:31 pm

    lol – funny post ever! hope i wont be like those mums when ash grows bigger >.<

    ~ash's mum

  15. Kristina P.
    August 24, 2010 | 10:55 pm

    We used the app that tells you how long the wait is for the rides, and that damn Disney Princess thing was always the longest line.

    Although, I did get a really sweet unicorn painted on my face.

  16. McKenzie
    August 24, 2010 | 10:57 pm

    Sounds like you had quite an interesting trip! I look forward to all the crazed moms when I am able to take my little one. Haha, "what the freak…" never heard that before!! I laughed pretty hard at that.

  17. Shell
    August 24, 2010 | 11:00 pm

    I had to laugh at this. Thankfully, my experience there wasn't like that- at least, it wasn't my kids biting people and it wasn't me being a psycho mom.

    You know, for once, anyway.

  18. Herding Cats
    August 24, 2010 | 11:06 pm

    Oh god. Just wow. He bit her neck? WTF (the correct version)!

  19. Lourie
    August 24, 2010 | 11:34 pm

    I would even take What the French Toast…or Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! But what the freak? And seriously, what is up with a kid biting their parent anyways! Yeah you meet all kinds in places like those. I just hope I one of the more normal ones. Whatever that is.

  20. Donda
    August 25, 2010 | 12:20 am

    Man, That was great! I was laughing the whole way through!

  21. Rebecca
    August 25, 2010 | 12:53 am

    My favorite line: "What the freak? What does that mean?"
    It means what the fuck! What the fuck!
    Amen!

  22. passionofthemom
    August 25, 2010 | 2:39 am

    Currently laughing so hard at the 'Bastardo! Bastardo!' line that I almost shat myself…SOOOOO FUNNY!!! xD I have some friends who just got back from DW on Saturday, and she said it was not quite as magical as it sounds. She must have been seeing the same people you were seeing…LOL The 'No, you can't go pee!' mom should be forced to drink a gallon of water in 20 minutes and then hang out by a waterfall for the 24 hours following that…with no bathroom breaks. Evil twat!!

  23. Ratz
    August 25, 2010 | 4:22 am

    I just had to read the post title… hahaha…

  24. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    August 25, 2010 | 6:14 am

    Epcot is a much happier experience because there is always a booze stand within a 10 feet.

    The best time I ever had at Disney is when I went with 6 other women, all moms, all between the ages of 27-38. It's way more fun with adults!

  25. Staci
    August 25, 2010 | 7:41 am

    That is crazy! Parents take their kids to Disney for the experience and when the kids don't act the way they are supposed to the parents are going to make them have a good time even if it kills them! "What the freak?" Yeah, that's a new one. One time my mom and I were in a grocery store and heard a lady in the next aisle yell at her kid that she was going to "jerk a knot" in him if he didn't stop. She probably meant she was going to knock the sh*t out of him but figured she was in public o she better watch herself.

  26. Jessica
    August 25, 2010 | 7:52 am

    Thank you for the real life experience and reminders why I will never take my family there… even if someone else paid all the expenses.

    I would like to go to Sea World though. ;-)

  27. nitebyrd
    August 25, 2010 | 8:46 am

    BWAHAHAHAHAAA! And it's HOT & HUMID, too!

  28. Cristy
    August 25, 2010 | 9:26 am

    WOW…you saw some CRAZY shit all in one "blissfully magic" day huh? ha. The poor baby girl that couldn't pee…that's a way to ask for a urinary tract infection for sure. That mom is going to be regretting that she didn't let her pee when her daughter is waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

  29. brainella
    August 25, 2010 | 10:04 am

    You see! This is why I'm afraid to go to DisneyWorld. Disney overdose would send me into menopause.

  30. Gigi
    August 25, 2010 | 10:34 am

    OMG. you are so FREAKING hilarious. I mean, fucking hilarious.

    Disney does not always bring out the best in parents, or in kids.

    That updo and makeup and crap that little girl had on? not cheap. It's like $299 or something ridiculous for the full boat.

    I have a friend whose little girl has had that done like 3x. seriously. do you think she's spoiled?

  31. Amanda
    August 25, 2010 | 10:47 am

    Where the freak ;) have you been all my blogging life? I enjoyed reading this post so much! I have yet to take my kids to Happy Land yet, but damn…. what the hell is wrong with some parents???

    New follower of your's here… I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

  32. Tiffany
    August 25, 2010 | 11:24 am

    That was a great read!! It really gave me a much needed laugh this morning!!

  33. Another Day of Crazy
    August 25, 2010 | 11:51 am

    Sounds like "Hell on Earth" instead of the "Happiest Place". Masses and masses of screaming parents and kids? Better pack Pinot in a to-go cup.

    Glad you survived!

  34. Drew's Mom
    August 25, 2010 | 12:20 pm

    Seriously? What the FREAK? LOL that is just comedy… and your response is even better! That's exactly what I would have been thinking! Hilarious!

  35. Danielle
    August 25, 2010 | 12:50 pm

    This is why I do not do Princess stuff with or for my daughter. I would be cussing up a storm!

  36. Pamela
    August 25, 2010 | 1:11 pm

    LOL! You crack me up Sandra! I love your observations of other ppl – esp. crazy parents. Not sure which one is worse – the not-letting-her-princess-pee mother or the annoying cooing one:)

  37. Florida Girl Meets the Midwest
    August 25, 2010 | 1:20 pm

    LOL. You know Kathy Griffin says if you drop the f-bomb you live longer. Spread the word.

    Stopping by from pour your heart out.

  38. Maggie S
    August 25, 2010 | 1:45 pm

    Omagawsh! You are so right. Maybe she was afraid to say what she meant in front of all the gentle Disney characters?

    Nice to meet you; back tomorrow.

  39. Small Town Girl
    August 25, 2010 | 3:09 pm

    This is the first time I've read you, and now I'm hooked. This is pure greatness. Have they not installed xanax or valium dispensers at Disney World yet? They should. They really should.

  40. Queen of the Rant
    August 25, 2010 | 3:16 pm

    OMG-thank you for this-I will never go to Disneyland-

  41. Just Another Mom of 2
    August 25, 2010 | 4:54 pm

    We have yet to take our kids (4 & 18 months) to Disney, but I'm convinced there needs to be a mini vacation afterwards just to recover. LOL at what the freak..

  42. fojoy
    August 25, 2010 | 8:54 pm

    ya – that sounds about right for Disneyland. I mean, what the freak, kid, once you're in line all dreams of peeing ends!

  43. Amy
    August 26, 2010 | 5:21 am

    So maybe my kids aren't missing out by not going to Disney World? Great post!

  44. Semi-Slacker Mom
    August 26, 2010 | 8:35 am

    I told you so. You should never go to that place without liquor or Xanax. Preferably both. They should sell illegal something at the door. Then it might be the happiest place on earth, but I still doubt it.

  45. Cyrene
    August 26, 2010 | 9:52 am

    LOL! This post just made my day. Thank you! Hope to read more interesting, fun stuff about your vacation. Not at your expense of course. ;)

  46. Magnolia Sun
    August 26, 2010 | 10:50 am

    We've been to Disney World twice and Disney Land once – your post captures it. Thanks for the laughs to get my day started.

  47. Michelle
    August 26, 2010 | 11:11 am

    In Tennessee people wait til they get to Walmart to beat their kids. I guess in FLorida, it's Disneyland. I went there years ago during their 25th anniversary and I wasn't a fan. I'm just not into Disney and touting somthing as the happiest place on earth is just a turnoff for me because it causes me to look for the under belly, which I always find.

    Thakns for commenting on my post. The problem with class reunions is that I thought I was better than them back then and still do so what's the point?

  48. Rich
    August 26, 2010 | 11:45 am

    Classic. Yes all of these "Amusement" parks are simply intended to make parents climb the clocktower. Another place to see parents go off on their kids? The mall. Just sit there and watch for 5 minutes and the things you will see. Wow. Nice post.

  49. Poppy
    August 26, 2010 | 12:01 pm

    I'm so glad that you were able to go and just "observe and report". I was half browsing the headlines for "Crazy Canadian Bitch Slaps Disneyworld Cast Member in A Small World Queue."

  50. ournextchapters.com
    August 26, 2010 | 1:52 pm

    Crazy a$$ parents… I'm that mother was probably featured on Toddlers & Tiaras.

  51. Princess Freckles
    August 26, 2010 | 4:55 pm

    I'm a hige Disney fan, but I have no children, and I'd never EVER be able to spend 8 hours at the Magic Kingdom in August. You're a champion.

    My husband and I have discussed how some moms take the whole experience too seriously. I understand its expensive and it might be the only time the family is able to go, but do you really want your kid remembering you acting like a psycho vacation police officer and not letting them pee? Come on! You can't do it all, but you can have fun if you chill out.

  52. gayle
    August 26, 2010 | 7:09 pm

    So funny!! What drives me nuts is these moms that have to yell so loud at their kids….sometimes I wonder if they just do it for attention1

  53. Kim
    August 26, 2010 | 11:44 pm

    Thanks for stopping by and following. So sad you had to witnesss that on your day at the Magic Kindgdom.

  54. Tooje
    August 27, 2010 | 1:53 pm

    I already made a vow to my Hubs that we weren't taking the children to any place like this until they're big enough to ride all the big kid rides. That way, if anyone needs their asses kicked, we can do it without looking TERRIBLY horrible. They will nearly be our size, and all that. Plus, it's a better chance they'll actually remember the trip and thus become more thankful children. :)

    (with that said, my mom went to FL to visit my older brother and SIL, and she took my THEN 4 year old. I went along. He was an angel while there, but that's because he's my perfect child. I would never, in a million years, consider taking my right now 2 year old when he becomes 4)

  55. jayayceeblog
    August 29, 2010 | 8:59 am

    You are killing me with your happy vacation stories. Bastardo! OMG!!!

  56. Kimberly
    October 4, 2010 | 5:27 am

    You said fuck and fantastical…..I think I love you and may stalk you for a bit…your blog not you literally…no that is not me in the bushes
    PS coming from the girl next door

  57. The Girl Next Door Grows Up
    October 7, 2010 | 3:31 pm

    Holy shit that was super! I have never been there and now…. I am not so sure we will go :-)

    Thank you for such a delightful post!

  58. Sarah
    October 8, 2010 | 8:33 pm

    Too funny!! I can picture these scenes perfectly!!

    Those stressed out mommies is how I feel when I take my first graders on a field trip :)

  59. The Empress
    October 10, 2010 | 2:51 am

    Girlfriend! You is the awesome winner of the writing contest.

    I already knew that, all your posts rawk like that.

    COngrats, funny lady!

  60. The Girl Next Door Grows Up
    October 10, 2010 | 7:15 am

    Congratulations Sandra! You are the first winner of the {iWrite – iBlog – iWin} writing contest!

    I will email you later today about the prize details!!!!

    Have a wonderful day!

  61. Sarah
    October 10, 2010 | 8:03 am

    Oh, and…..

    CONGRATULATIONS on winning the contest!!

  62. Melanie
    October 10, 2010 | 8:30 am

    Congratulations! I couldn't agree more. What happen to fun for fun's sake. Is this really about the kids or the parents' need for proof of their generosity!

  63. Kassie
    October 10, 2010 | 8:47 am

    I love the "anyone have a bat" comment. Hysterical.

  64. Karen
    October 10, 2010 | 5:45 pm

    Hilarious and sad all at once. What is it draws the wicked witch out in mommies in those situations? PMS? Or the fact that they took out a 2nd mortgage on their house to finance their own arrested development fantasies?

  65. The Drama Mama
    October 10, 2010 | 6:52 pm

    You know, GC wants to go to Disney World so badly. I just cannot justify the cost for the lines we will have to stand in (as in, sorry kiddos, momma's got no patience, so no Mickey Mouse for you!). This was a fabulous post!!

  66. Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds
    October 10, 2010 | 8:33 pm

    Ah, this is why I'll never go again in the summer time. There's not enough magic to go around during peak season.

  67. Sparkling
    October 10, 2010 | 10:11 pm

    Congrats on winning the contest!!!

  68. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    October 11, 2010 | 7:58 am

    Congratulations! I'm sorry I missed this before, it's hilarious. As a Disney veteran I can say it is all true too!

  69. Joann Mannix
    October 11, 2010 | 11:34 am

    Congratulations, Sandra, on winning The Girl Next Door's contest. Erika and I are good friends and when she selected you, I sent her an email, applauding her choice. You are so brilliant and real and such an incredible writer and this post? Oh My GAWD! I live right around the corner from the Mouse and I dearly hate the place. My family, unfortunately, loves it. And even worse, we have season passes. We were there this weekend and if one more foreigner invaded my personal body space, I was going to start smacking and shoving.

    Bastardo–freaking genius.

  70. Korey
    October 11, 2010 | 11:46 am

    I can't wait to read more of your blog :) I think I could very well be the mommy of that princess some days. yikes!

  71. Myya
    October 12, 2010 | 11:48 am

    Love your take on Disney… the untold truth behind the ears! I think I may be laughing for another hour or so.

  72. Judie
    October 12, 2010 | 6:43 pm

    Sandra, you made me wet my pants. And no one wanted to take my picture! Congrats! You really deserved to win–you are awesome!

  73. Mommy on the Spot
    October 12, 2010 | 9:54 pm

    Congrats on winning!

    This post is hilarious!! "What the freak?" – bwhahahaha!

  74. Christine
    October 12, 2010 | 11:10 pm

    Yeah, I can see why you won the first writing contest from The Girl Next Door Grows Up. That's fricking hilarious. Probably not at the time, but this is just too damn funny.

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