Flip Off!

Today I’m joining a host of terrific bloggers who have all excised their demons by flipping them off. And since I’m all about the flipping, count me in.
A great big thank you to Kludgymom for hosting this fantastic opportunity which allows us to tell off all those we love, and others we don’t love so much.
  • Overflowing Toilets
My son, the oldest, the 14 year old, has this inexplicable fear of wiping his ass. As a result, he uses – I’m sure I wouldn’t be exagerating when I say – one entire roll of toilet paper each time he uses the bathroom. 
As a result, when he flushes, the toilet plugs up.
The problem, however, lies, not in the fact that I have to plunge. No. Plunging would be a welcome activity to the alternative.
Rather than tell me he’s plugged the fucken toilet yet again because of his phobia of…what?…what are you scared of?…getting shit on your hand?… he walks away and tells no one.
So the next person to use the bathroom gets a very unpleasant surprise when he/she flushes, and now it’s too late to plunge because the shitty toilet water is overflowing onto the floor along with the entire roll of toilet paper, and my son’s enormous turd.
So plunging I can handle.
But cleaning, scouring, and bleaching the floors afterward makes me feel like I’m crawling through the sewers.
So flip-off kid, and learn how to wipe your ass.
  • Panties that have the seam running down the middle
I’m quite certain these were invented by a man. Because a woman would never create an undergarment that crawls up your hoochie forcing you to try and surreptitiously extract the bunched up fabric throughout the entire day.
And, I can’t be sure, but I’m betting that having the cotton seam wedged up there for hours on end would not only contribute to continuous discomfort but also yeast infections.
So flip-off man who invented this underwear. You’re an asshole.
And just in case you designed the garment in this way believing it would leave women in a perpetual state of arousal, well it doesn’t. Having this much friction on my clitoris does not make me horny, it makes me fucken cranky. 
  • CAPTSHAWS
CAPTCHAs are the little letters certain sites get us to type in to prove that we aren’t spam.
Fine. Good. Great.
I have no problem typing these letters in.
My problem, however, is when the CAPTCHA is so stupidly convoluted that I can’t even figure out what the letters are supposed to be.
It would be nice if the letters actually spelled out a word.
But most of the time they don’t, and I can live with this. I can type in: Tuilmnop.
However, typing in a few letters is not the same thing as typing in some of the pathetically long CAPTCHAs I have encountered: youareAfuckenIdiotforevendoingTHIsdontYoUHaveaFuckENLIfe
When I’m expected to type something the length of the Nile, I will usually lose interest or forget what I was trying to get into in the first place.
So flip-off CAPTCHAs or inventor of the CAPTCHA. You waste exorbitant amounts of my time.
Believe me, I waste enough of my time without your help thank you very much.
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51 Responses to Flip Off!
  1. Cinderella
    August 13, 2010 | 3:54 pm

    I just peed my pants! To bad I am wear those damn from seemed panties! You are too funny!
    XO
    C

  2. Danielle
    August 13, 2010 | 4:11 pm

    LOL, Now go get schnockered!

  3. Amanda
    August 13, 2010 | 4:12 pm

    OMG I hate underwear like that!!!

  4. WannabeVirginia W.
    August 13, 2010 | 4:25 pm

    I completely get you son's fear of wiping his bum. I for one, have the same predicament at times, when holy hell, there's more. Gawd, I've been wiping forever!! I may have said too much.

  5. Matty
    August 13, 2010 | 4:41 pm

    LOL, that might be a boy thing. I can remember clogging a few toilets in my day.

    Ewww, that panties look doesn't look comfy or attractive. Gross. Next time my wife is cranky, I'm gonna have her drop her pants so I can see if her panties are riding up her who-ha.
    LOL

    I HATE< HATE<HATE that word verification. I can barely read the letters anymore. Some of the words I'm given are 27 miles long and the letters are run so close together I can't distinguish one from the other. GRRRRRRRR

  6. Kristina P.
    August 13, 2010 | 5:10 pm

    We had a clogged toilet once, that actually needed the plumber. It was so clogged, he had to take the toilet off. And found a crap load of tampons.

    Look, I am not wrapping up my tampons in TP and putting them in the trash!! So suck it!

  7. Jaime
    August 13, 2010 | 5:14 pm

    I know the exact panties you are talking about – who the eeeeeeeef designed those? I said the same thing and even gave my husband a revolting visual of why I hate those undies! UUUUGh!

  8. -MissC*
    August 13, 2010 | 5:19 pm

    lol thanks for the giggle!

  9. JennyJenJen
    August 13, 2010 | 5:35 pm

    bwa ha ha! I hate those fuckin captcha things.. and underwear with the seam down the middle.. So ive given them up all together. The underwear not the captcha's. They will forever be the Newman to my Jerry.

  10. Theres just life
    August 13, 2010 | 5:36 pm

    You must have been to my house, too. Only it my step-daughter instead of son.
    The seam thing not a good idea at all. I say we hang em by their underwear in a public square.
    As for those unintelligible words. If you have to put them in don't run them together. I have had to type them in 2 and 3 times because I couldn't decide if the letter was an r or an n.

  11. Amanda
    August 13, 2010 | 5:40 pm

    ahahaha u had me laughing so hard! i have a couple flip offs i think later when i get more time i might do this as well! have a good one!

  12. Vodka Logic
    August 13, 2010 | 5:58 pm

    omg so funny… and yeah I would be cranky with those undies as well…and a camel toe.. no thanks.xx

  13. Dazee Dreamer
    August 13, 2010 | 6:42 pm

    omg, I love these. The pooping one. oh lord. what is it about boys. just don't understand.

  14. Shell
    August 13, 2010 | 7:07 pm

    I had to laugh at your first two- though I feel your pain on the first one- my boys use soooo much freaking toilet paper, I'm often cleaning up a mess!

  15. Helena
    August 13, 2010 | 7:48 pm

    I think every one of your gripes are spot on! I don't swear unless absolutely compelled to and so your colorful descriptions make me giggle incessantly! I can only imagine what vocalizations must be heard outside the bathroom as you are in there cleaning up the sh..mess!

  16. Tina
    August 13, 2010 | 7:58 pm

    Had to come check out your Friday Flip Offs, since you checked out mine. And I mist say, they cracked me up! The shit, the seam, and CAPTCHAS, oh my! Too funny.

  17. Rebecca
    August 13, 2010 | 8:19 pm

    I totally hate CAPTCHAs also! I'm glad you have not made me go through one to post this.

  18. Gigi
    August 13, 2010 | 8:21 pm

    I'm rolling over here! I agree wholeheartedly with every single one of your flip-offs!

  19. Herding Cats
    August 13, 2010 | 8:42 pm

    Amen! Amen! Amen! Oh, and I would make your SON clean up the mess. Seriously, he needs to learn the hard way….he's too old for that crap (no pun intended) ;)

  20. Donda
    August 13, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    OMG I love the captcha…I never get any good words! The chic with the panties….why's she got somethin' extra for???

  21. lisaj
    August 13, 2010 | 9:24 pm

    baahaaaahaaahahaha!! you are a great flipper offer!! love it! just cleaned up some big shit overflow mess myself (totally should have flipped it off myself….so i will NOW!!) anywho, my 3 year old put 2 potatoes in the shitty water that was already needing a plunge….i was protesting the plunge cause i am THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES IT!…..that back fired on me when it overflowed and went everywhere!! good times!
    by the way, really lovin your profile pic! too cute!
    have a good weekend.

  22. The Mayor!
    August 13, 2010 | 9:49 pm

    Been there with the toilet (though admittedly with my young kids, they'd BETTER outgrow that "shit" lol!), frikkin'HATE anything up my ass, & the last one is beyond annoying!! My finger joins you in the flip offs!!

    :-D

  23. Gigi
    August 13, 2010 | 9:59 pm

    hahahaha!! These were AWESOME!!!! Those panties, come on!

    I recently had a toilet overflow as you described. Dear God. It was so not pretty.

    Hopefully the other bloggers will get here tomorrow. Sometimes, when people post their flipoffs late in the afternoon…they get fewer comments, I've noticed. But I"m glad you came by and joined in. :)

  24. Mamma has spoken
    August 13, 2010 | 10:07 pm

    I'm so with you on the toliet thing. Around here I had to go on toliet patrol to see who did what last in the toliet just so I can make them take care of it and any messes that might come from it. After a few months, things got a lot better around here except I've noticed the fantom pee'er has been at it again. They love to leave a wet spot in front of the toliet on the floor that I happen to find after I step in it….

  25. Pamela
    August 13, 2010 | 10:52 pm

    OMG – you are sooo right about the panties – hate those effen things! And those Captcha thingies – I never get the stupid ass words right. I'm sure mine have said YouareanImbecileoftheworstKind because it usually takes me like 5 tries before I get them right!!
    Love this post – I might have to join in on these Friday Flip-Offs one day:)

  26. Blossy
    August 14, 2010 | 1:49 am

    Thanks for sharing these. You are so right about the Captchas. I don't mind doing them but gee whiz they could use real words or at least ones where you don't have to go crosseyed to see the plasted thing!

  27. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    August 14, 2010 | 8:16 am

    I love that all the ads that came up at the bottom of the blog were all for plumbing services!!! Bwwahaha.

    I'm anti captcha too! I used to require them to comment on my blog but then I realized how much they sucked ass!

  28. Danielle
    August 14, 2010 | 10:12 am

    Too funny about the underwear with the seam in the middle, camel toe is not attractive! lol! And my daughter does the same thing, see literally uses a roll of toliet paper when she wipes so I have to make her keep the door open so I can monitor this! lol! Good Flips!

  29. Kelly Polizzi
    August 14, 2010 | 11:21 am

    LOL you absolutely kill me.

  30. Tracy F.
    August 14, 2010 | 11:48 am

    It is great to hear that I don't have the only son that clogs the toilet. Thank goodness, though, he tells me that he plugs it. His fear is that his bum is dirty. He would take a bath after every BM if I would let him.

    Anyway, thanks for following me and visiting my website. I am happy to return the favor.

    Tracy
    http://www.cutorcopyandpaste.blogspot.com

  31. Kristina
    August 14, 2010 | 3:04 pm

    Love your blog! Found you through Bloggy Moms and am now following via NetworkedBlogs and Twitter. Hope you'll follow back!

    Thank you!
    Kristina
    http://www.kristinawyatt.com/missmommy

  32. Lani
    August 14, 2010 | 3:44 pm

    oh wow. Thank you for making me laugh, you are hysterical. That underwear picture… I'm speechless:)

  33. Cheeseboy
    August 14, 2010 | 4:59 pm

    I had never before seen seam down the middle panties.

  34. nitebyrd
    August 14, 2010 | 6:05 pm

    Oh, I like this!

    You are SO right about that damn underwear with the seam. Seriously, WTF?

    Captchas bug me, too but I was getting all kinds of Chinese and penis enlarger spam and even Chinese penis enlarger spam, so had to put it on my blog.

    (Hope your weekend was good and that no toilets runneth over!)

  35. Audra's Family Blog
    August 14, 2010 | 6:46 pm

    Oh my gosh! Thank you for sharing your flip offs! I laughed hysterically! Unfortunately, I have the seemed panty problem! The thing is, I could never put my finger on why they are so uncomfortable! Your post made me laugh so hard, can't believe I wasn't smart enough to figure that out!

  36. Lori
    August 14, 2010 | 7:47 pm

    Hey there! My brother takes a show after he goes poo. Yes EVERYTIME, even if it's the middle of the night. I have no idea what his obsession is.

    The underware thing, guys must love camel toe. I swear they invent every thing that can and will ride up. And underwires, pretty sure that was a mans brain child as well.

  37. *Maybe* Baby ♥ Mama
    August 14, 2010 | 9:06 pm

    Our journey has begun!… secretly though

    If I’ve left you this message, you’re a follower of my original blog ~OR~ just someone I’ve happened upon while sending out these invites and that I would LOVE for to come along for the ride! Though I won’t be revealing who I am just yet – until we’re TO and THROUGH the first trimester! Just getting the word out about our new site – further explanation of all the secrecy and what we’re about on my first post. I’d love for you to stop by.

    Exciting things going on around here!

    http://www.DefinitelyMaybeBaby.com

    ~ the {secret} *Maybe* Baby Mama

  38. Bibliomama
    August 14, 2010 | 10:21 pm

    I don't know whether I'm more impressed by this post or that you have a tag devoted to 'seams'. :)

  39. GB Girl
    August 14, 2010 | 10:39 pm

    Absolutely hilarious!
    I love your flip offs. All of your flippees are deserving.
    Especially the underwear makers.

  40. McKenzie
    August 15, 2010 | 1:03 am

    I absolutely loved reading your Friday Flip-off's! They gave me a good laugh!!

  41. S.I.F.
    August 15, 2010 | 4:28 am

    Oh that is the best camels toe I have ever seen! HA! Too funny!

  42. Beth
    August 15, 2010 | 8:51 am

    So naturally after the comment you left on my blog, I came here looking for big hair pictures. Quite frankly the one in your profile is a tad shadowy and I'm sure doesn't fully convey the true big hair effect. Sadly, I was unable to find additional big hair photos, but you did suck me in with your Friday flip off (as well as the puke tales below). Following you now, and looking forward to more.

    From one smart mouthed Sag to another, have a fab Sunday!

  43. Cool Gal
    August 15, 2010 | 8:51 am

    This could be one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time! Only a stupid man could have possibly designed those undies. I mean c'mon. Seriously??? Eww…nice camel toe!

    "Friday Flip-offs" is a fantastic idea! Can I play next week???

    Great blog, by the way. Happy to follow you right back (I think we are going to get along great!).

    Have a great day.

  44. Beth
    August 15, 2010 | 8:55 am

    Son of a bitch, I wrote this whole long comment and then crappy IE freaked and ate it or something. . Anyway, thanks for the comment on my pic on my blog. I came here looking for "big hair" pics of you and wasn't able to find any, but did enjoy your Friday flip off, as well as tales of the puke.

    Following you now and looking forward to reading more from a fellow smart assed Sagittarius.

  45. Sharina
    August 15, 2010 | 1:38 pm

    OMG…you are hilarious! LOVE IT!!!! You had me literally cracking up here at the computer. And man my daughter is like that with the toilet…you wouldn't believe what comes out of a little 7 year old!

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Definitely a new follower.

  46. Rachel Cotterill
    August 15, 2010 | 2:17 pm

    I think if you make your son clean up his own mess, he'll soon learn that there's a better way…… is that evil?

  47. The Empress
    August 15, 2010 | 2:48 pm

    Ooh, go 'head wich yourself and the 45 comments here, girl!

    Love your flip offs, and your pic. And I hate seams in my hoohaw.

  48. Sunshine and Summertime
    August 15, 2010 | 2:59 pm

    First off, I would like to say a big thank you for stopping by my little stake of land in the blog community! And secondly, I have a minor confession– I love your blog! You are such a talented writer and I found myself laughing along with some of the histerical things you said! I am a new follower and I really can't wait to read more. I'm so glad you found me :) And I'm not a stalker, I promise!

  49. Rose's Daughter
    August 15, 2010 | 9:39 pm

    My GOD I just peed in my pants. HIllarious! I will be returning here to laugh more!

  50. Sueberry
    August 17, 2010 | 11:28 am

    Great post! Glad to know I'm not alone in the world of gross bathroom messes by boys. I have 2 boys and sometimes I swear they must dance while they pee. How else would it get everywhere? grr

  51. Busy Working Mama
    September 12, 2010 | 7:54 pm

    I just threw a pair of underwear like that away into the trash, after cutting them into little bits angrily with my good scizzors.

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