Better luck next time

So I woke up last night at 3:45am completely nauseous. Not the kind of nauseous where you just know you’re going to vomit. This is the kind of nauseous that lingers, and you just wish you would vomit.
I lay there with my head hanging off the mattress, moaning. I’m not quite sure why I hang my head off the mattress. It’s not like that’s going to get me to the bathroom any quicker should any supper come forth.
But the moaning, that’s for my husband’s benefit. So he’ll know I’m sick.

Turns out the energy I exhibited moaning was for nothing because Wayne had fallen asleep on the couch, and wasn’t even within moaning vicinity.

Of course, as I lay there, I always assume the worst case scenario. I’ve always been a hypochondriac at heart, waltzing into my doctor’s office whenever I suspect grave illness, scroll in hand on which are listed my symptoms, possible causes, plausible outcomes, and surefire remedies.
Thankfully my doctor is old, has pretty much seen all kinds come through his office, so crazy lady with a scroll in hand is the least of his worries.

Last night, in a span of 30 seconds, I had managed to convince myself that one of three things could be happening:
1.  food poisoning from the calamari I had at lunch
2.  overdose due to restless leg syndrome medication
3.  pregnancy

Within the next 30 seconds, I had rationalized that the food poisoning would have manifested itself sooner, and I probably would be vomiting and expelling bodily contents via other methods, not simply laying here feeling nauseous.
The RLS medication, although I’m sure does have a toxic level, I highly doubt that taking an extra 1/4 tablet is going to do the job.
And pregnancy… well, no. With a snip snip here and a tie tie there, ain’t no way procreation is ever occurring in this body again.

By morning, I felt better.
Fuck.

Yes, that is disappointment you sense in my words. Because as much as being sick sucks, being sick when you’re a mother during the weekend, when your husband is home to look after the kids, well, this is a luxury. It’s kind of like a mini holiday. Sure, you may be running to the toilet every few minutes, shaking from chills,  delirious from fever, but you’re by yourself in your bed. All day. And nobody wants to come near you for fear of catching what you have.

Mind you, this scenario has occurred for me once in the last 6 years. In March, I had the stomach flu. Turns out, everyone else in the family, except for Wayne, had it too. This was kind of a double bonus. So while I was hauled up in my bedroom, Wayne was the one left to run from one child to the other with bucket in hand.

And let me just give Wayne props for this, because the guy cannot handle the site, sound, or smell of bodily fluids. Me, I can be scrubbing diarrhea stains from underwear with one hand while eating a sandwich in the other. Wayne, well, poor guy, could barely handle dirty diapers and baby spit up. He’d try his darnedest to pitch in when the kids were little, but it was accomplished with one hand covering his mouth while vile retching sounds escaped his throat.

So the whole stomach flu fiasco in March, although quasi-enjoyable for me, kept Wayne running from one puke puddle to the next, gagging himself as he attempted to clean one kid’s projectile vomit while another was calling for a pail from another bathroom.

But, I am a mother. And even though, I will admit I find Wayne’s queasiness vis-a-vis the smells, sights, and sounds of bodily expulsions entertaining, because come on, picture it! It’s funny! Within 3 hours, I was back on my feet, taking over vomit duty.

I would just like to point out though, that Wayne caught the same stomach flu within hours of my recovery. And his lasted 2 days. I’m just sayin’…

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20 Responses to Better luck next time
  1. terrid614
    August 8, 2010 | 8:04 pm

    ugh! hope you feel WAY better!!!

  2. Maybe Tomorrow I'll be a Better Mother
    August 9, 2010 | 7:58 am

    thanks for the laugh! Just once I'd like to 'call in sick' too!
    Better luck next weekend ;-)

  3. Fabulous Finds
    August 9, 2010 | 10:24 am

    Your blog is GREAT. I'm so glad you found me becuase this stuff is so entertaining!! I'm now following you and look forward to your future posts.
    Cheers,
    Tiffany
    p.s. Everyone farts but I admit to it :0)

  4. ~J
    August 9, 2010 | 11:45 am

    We are SOOOO alike. I'm a self professed hypochondriac. Try as I may, I'm dying with a new ailment each day…a simple crotch pain is a third world airborne version of HIV that someone in WalMart must have sneedzed at me! HOLLA @ your sista!

  5. Brooke
    August 9, 2010 | 1:34 pm

    i faked a gallbladder attack to get a three hour nap (induced by a pain pill that my hubby made me take b/c he thought I was having a gallbladder attack. shhhh…..!!!

  6. Liz
    August 9, 2010 | 2:40 pm

    craig manages to never hear when i'm up sick in the middle of the night, and he sucks as a nurse anyway. but when it comes to HIM being sick, well, that's a different, more pitiful story.

  7. Cassie
    August 9, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    HA! I like the imagery of diarrhea stains combined with sandwich eating. Nice. At least your husband didn't puke as a result of cleaning up puke. That would be way too counter-productive.

    Cassie
    http://www.wittytitlehere.com

  8. MommaKiss
    August 9, 2010 | 11:06 pm

    men are fucking babies when they're sick. tears and all, I swear.

  9. MamaOnDaGo
    August 10, 2010 | 12:13 am

    I'm glad you're feeling better. Being sick over the weekend while husband is home is definitely a luxury.

  10. Matty
    August 10, 2010 | 12:15 am

    Well, I'm sorry that you caught a bug. But I will be the first to admit that when it comes to sickness, disease and bodily fluids….we men are big babies! And I am no exception.

  11. Lady Hill
    August 10, 2010 | 12:40 am

    omg you had me at "But the moaning, that's for my husband's benefit. So he'll know I'm sick."
    I love it!

    Whenever I get sick I feel the need to get up and get back to taking care of my home (no kids here but a hubby and plenty of furbabies that need my care) yet when my hubby is sick with the same thing I had it always lasts at least twice as long…
    I think it's a conspiracy.

    I'm your newest follower from FMBT!
    I hope you'll come and visit my end of the blogosphere when you get a chance.

    http://fromlazytolady.blogspot.com

  12. Kelli
    August 10, 2010 | 12:52 am

    You sound just like me! LOL
    Following you via GFC! Check out my blog and follow back if you would like.
    http://www.happilyfrugal.net/

  13. Leigh
    August 10, 2010 | 2:01 pm

    Men are babies when they're sick! Get to feeling better!

    Dropping in from FMBT to say hello and to become a new follower.
    http://inside-my-head.com/index.php/blog-memes/2435/oh-the-memories-random-tuesday

  14. Heather
    August 10, 2010 | 2:51 pm

    You're killing me. This is hilarious.
    I have been known to once or twice play up a sinus infection to get part of a Saturday in bed.
    Meanwhile my husband does super nice things like bring me a Tylenol with no liquid to wash it down with. Who can blame him. He is busy with the kids.

    Mwa ha ha.

    I love the name and caption for your blog. Can't wait to read more.

  15. Miranda Ward
    August 10, 2010 | 4:48 pm

    Im From FMBT If you would please Follow Me back:)
    Miranda http://mommaissweeping.blogspot.com

  16. RenderMeMama
    August 10, 2010 | 6:33 pm

    I hope you feel better! Sounds like the pits!

    Following from FMBT! Loving it so far! Come by and follow me back?

    Amy @ rendermemama.blogspot.com

  17. thehubbydiaries
    August 10, 2010 | 6:38 pm

    I think you made one small error throughout this course of events. If he wasn't in the bed to hear the moaning, he also wasn't in the bed to not hear the moaning. I think a "sick day" was still in order, so you could feel rested & refreshed while he watched the kids!

    Even if you felt better, remember, you are the only one who knew that! :-)

  18. Big Mama
    August 10, 2010 | 6:44 pm

    Hi, I am following from the Tuesday blog hop! Good to meet ya. Liking you blog, I'll be back.

    http://thebristolproject.blogspot.com/

  19. Momma Teri
    August 10, 2010 | 10:01 pm

    Following from Follow Me Back Tuesday. Please stop in and do the same for me:
    http://momtobedby8.blogspot.com

  20. Gigi
    August 13, 2010 | 9:46 am

    OMG. You describe me when nauseated perfectly. I do that same hypochondriac thing. And then I start bargaining with God that if he makes me stop feeling bad I will never yell at my kids ever again and be more holy than Jesus. Forever.

    Hubs? sleeps thru it all.

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