Something new…

Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop posts topics for bloggers to expand on every Thursday. This allows bloggers to further develop our writing styles (ya, whatev), opens us up to constructive criticism (this is me squinting in anticipation of the pain), and gives us an opportunity to get to know other bloggers (oh you know I’m all over that one!)

So in the spirit of embracing the blogging community that has become like crack to me, here I go…

People would be surprised to learn that…

I can eat.

No, I know everyone can eat.

But I mean I. Can. Eat.

I can pretty much eat anybody I know under the table. This includes men. Big, strong, manly men who have won pie eating contests and lift trucks for fun. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I can put back full racks of ribs. And I’m not just talking about 6 or 7 ribblets. I’m like: the whole motherfucken rack. Hot dogs. Easily 4. Servings of anything at meal time: minimum 2. You’re having visions of tapeworms, aren’t you?

It’s actually really embarrassing because I’m not a big girl. I’m 5’4, 115 lbs (ya, I’m braggin’, keep reading anyway) so it doesn’t make sense to anyone (including myself) that I can put back the amount of food that I do.

The other day I went for lunch with a friend at the Olive Garden. When you sit down, the waiter brings out a basket with four breadsticks inside. I’m like: Four? Are you fucken kidding me? But I don’t say this out loud. Because I don’t want to look like a pig (right away).

The meal arrives. A dinner sized portion of spaghetti. And remember, it’s lunchtime. Even asking the waiter for the “dinner sized portion” was embarrassing, because she’s like, “Oh you don’t want the dinner sized portion. It’s really big. The lunch sizes are big enough. I can never finish mine.” And I’m like, “No bitch, just bring me the fucken dinner sized portion.”

…no, of course I don’t say that, but I do say (must picture very delicate, girly-girl voice for next part), “No, I will have the dinner sized portion please, but I won’t eat it all. I want to bring the leftovers home to my husband. He loves the spaghetti here.”

Oh puleeeeeze! The effort of saying that with a straight face further increased my appetite.

And I eat fast. So I’ve downed the dinner-sized portion of spaghetti, swallowed 5 more breadsticks(seriously! I wouldn’t make this shit up), finished off the salad (which comes in a big bowl and is meant to feed both me and my friend, and possibly the people at the next table, ’cause it’s a big mofo bowl of salad).

And my friend is picking through her angel hair pasta, barely makes a dent in it, and is like: “Oh…phew…I’m stuffed!”

Is it rude to punch your dinner companion in the face? ‘Cause I’m like, “Really?”

Really? Did she eat before she came to the restaurant? She had to. Come on. Half a breadstick, three pieces of lettuce, 5 angel hairs, and she’s stuffed? And now I have to say I want dessert? ‘Cause I really really do.

So I order the chocolate cheesecake, and I’m like, “Here here” handing her a fork, “Have some with me. I can’t eat all of this.” What I really want to do is stab her with the fork.

But here’s the most  embarrassing -yet also impressive in a fucked up sort of way- part: I went home after lunch, sat on my kitchen counter, and ate an entire pack of rice cakes slattered with peanut butter and jam. Yes, I did say the ENTIRE pack. Then I sat down in the living room, put on The View, which I tape every day, and watched it while eating an entire pack of crackers slattered with peanut butter and jam.

And then I had a diet Pepsi.

So don’t hate me ’cause I can eat like a pig. Just tell me you can keep up…even though I won’t believe you.

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15 Responses to Something new…
  1. Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy
    July 1, 2010 | 7:50 pm

    HO. LY. CRAP… YOU. CAN EAT!!!

    I soooo wish I could eat like that not gain weight…

  2. Semi-Slacker Mom
    July 1, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    Chic! I'm so glad you found me because you are funny as hell! And we so should go out to eat because though it takes me 2 days to eat (Hubs calls me the queen of the take-out box) I can order with the big dogs! I'm littler than you, well shorter. I can't wait to read more!!!

  3. Holly
    July 1, 2010 | 11:36 pm

    I'm SO JEALOUS!! I have a metabolic disorder and gain weight SO just THINKING about the cheesecake and have to work as hard as someone losing 100lbs to lose 15! UGH!! I think I TOTALLY messed myself up when I was anorexic as a teen! DUMB… GIRLS!! It's SO NOT WORTH THAT!!! ANYWAY… I CAN eat… but I do get full… and eat a lot less than people THINK I would by LOOKING at ME! So, I won't be HATING you… BUT… Can I call you BRAT without offending??? It'll be my term of ENDEARMENT for you. ;p

    (((HUGS))) =D

  4. Sandra
    July 1, 2010 | 11:46 pm

    Yes, ladies, I can eat, and I'd go out with you anytime!

  5. Poppy
    July 2, 2010 | 12:27 am

    bitch.

  6. Sandra
    July 2, 2010 | 12:41 am

    Now now Poppy, i would share the cheesecake with you and promise I would not poke your eyes out with the fork. Promise.

  7. Mel
    July 2, 2010 | 9:42 am

    Insanely jealous!

  8. Poppy
    July 2, 2010 | 9:57 am

    I'm happy to drink my dinner and eyes are over rated, I just want the stats.

  9. Pamela
    July 2, 2010 | 10:19 am

    Hahaha – I'm laughing 'cause I was like that until I had my son. I used to be able to eat like nobody's business and not gain a pound, I'd eat more than my Dad (who's a huge, hulking weight lifting guy) and more than my husband (who's Italian & is no schlep when it comes to pounding back the carbs). I can still eat more than most people I know, but it's not as easy to keep those rolls off the mid section lately. Sigh. So, yes, I guess I kind of do hate you too.

  10. The Mayor!
    July 2, 2010 | 10:59 am

    Holy crap,completely forgot to tell you…fucking freezies are the fucking bane of my fucking existence! I WILL pass that law…as a matter of fact, I kinda did, just last week, when we ran out & I REFUSED to buy another box when I did groceries…the hubby says, "you didn't buy more freezies…", I said, Damn frikkin right I didn't, I have HAD IT with the damn things!" And it was still only JUNE! I'm so annoyed you don't live in Ontario, how will we ever hang out?? LOL!

    BTW, this time, I WIN, I'm 5 ft 2 in, 105 pnds…HA!

    hehehehehehehehehe!! :-D

  11. Sandra
    July 2, 2010 | 11:18 am

    Well Ms. Mayor, I guess I'll have to cut my feet off and starve, because there's no way you're going to win…muwahahahahah! I'm not in Ontario but I'm in the next province over, there's always family get together's at Xmas. We could hug! Wouldn't that be warm and fuzzy, and so unlike us!

  12. Sandra
    July 2, 2010 | 11:21 am

    Well Pamela, I never said I didn't have rolls, I just said I can eat like nobody's business! And an Italian man…does that mean you guys eat alot of pasta…'cause if ya, then I'm at your place lady! Just don't forget to make a mountain of breadsticks, and we're good!

  13. My Momma Drama
    July 2, 2010 | 4:55 pm

    Wow! Just wow… you would so intimidate me at a restaurant. I would probably eat the rest of my pasta then eat all your cheesecake just to put you in your place!

  14. Janellaaaaa
    July 9, 2010 | 12:45 am

    As the victim of the Cheesecake eye stabbing, I would just like to say that I ate at LEAST six (count 'em!) Angel hairs. [For anyone reading, you have to spell out numbers up to six. Not 7 or 8 or 9... I know that because my typing teacher taught me that.]

    I like going out with people like Sandra for lunch. Really. Mostly because the first thing out of her mouth when she saw me was "Oooohhhh, I sooo love your boobs!" – only throwing me off for a couple seconds as I glance around thinking "OMg, now all these people are going to think I just had them "done" or something. Sigh…."
    The second reason I like eating lunch with Sandra is because I don't have to talk. I just make 'active listening noises' and maybe say "Yeah- remember when th….." and away she goes again buying me at least 8 (not eight) minutes of zero-talk time. YAY!
    After that, there's the time where she is having her carbohydrate-induced orgasm… Not for the faint of heart, or those uninitiated into Sandra's favorite psychosis (ummm…. I mean 'hobby' of "*UN*Fitness Modeling".
    Now, while I am not jealous of her abs- which ARE like the 8th Wonder of the World, I am totally jealous of her hulking arms! Watching her move her fork from plate to mouth is a thing of beauty. :)
    From now on, I will carry safety glasses in my purse for lunch with Sandra. Ohhh…. and shiney things. They distract her when her bread basket has somehow become empty. (They also serve as a great reflective signaling tool so I can make sure the waitress knows it's empty.

  15. Sandra
    July 9, 2010 | 11:47 am

    Dearest Janella,
    Stop trying to take over my blog! And just let me do the eating would ya, and be sure to stick to those carbs 'cause I like your boobs very much, and if you go off them, you'll lose your boobs.
    And FYI, I didn't do all the talking, I gave you 4-5 minutes of air time so I could wolf down my meal and the 8 breadsticks.

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