Oh the guilt…

Guilt rules my life. It dictates every decision I make, every step I take, even everything I put in my mouth. It’s such a major contributing factor in my life that most of the time I’m not even aware it’s there. It’s just part of my genetic makeup now.

Normally I’m pretty good at being a bitch saying no to my kids. They are not spoiled. They save up their money and buy their own shit, ie. iPods, XBox 360, video games, CDs, Slurpees. I have no problem getting them socks and underwear, but even then, you are wearing the tighty whities and the no-name brand tube socks, I am not paying for Joe Boxer or anything with anything other than Walmart stamped into the elastic band.

I am not the type of mother who does things for my kids so I can keep up with the idiot mothers who have no lives of their own, thus have to live vicarioulsy through and for their children… you know the mothers I’m talking about, I don’t even have to describe them…

Oh I will anyway! You know the mother I’m talking about, the one who brags about the deal she got on her daughter’s $80 shoes. The one who buys her kids the real Ugg boots. The one who plays cards with  her kids. Ok. Yes. It’s nice to interact once in awhile, but when your “free” time as a mother, ie. when you aren’t cooking, cleaning, folding, driving, refereeing, curing, working, breathing, is ALWAYS spent playing Go Fish instead of watching Toddlers in Tiaras or flipping through Oxygen magazine, then you shouldn’t be bragging about that. ‘Cause the other mothers, the ones like me, who like doing grown-up stuff like reading, talking on the phone to other grown up, or even having a meaningful conversation with our husbands about stuff other than ear infections and hockey tournament schedules, well, we hate you.

Yet despite this, and quite probably as a result of this, guilt is the contributing factor in many of my decisions. No. It won’t drive me to pull out the Monopoly board. Shoot me first.

On Wednesday, I handed in the last 2 of the nine papers I’ve had to write in the last 7 weeks. You can’t imagine the sense of freedom and release I felt upon flinging the paper at the prof’s head handing in those papers.

So Thursday, I decided to have a very decadent day. A “Me” day. It was sunny and hot outside. I sat in my deck chair in the afternoon, and reread Twilight.

Ok, now let me put things in perspective.
First of all, sitting in my deck chair actually translates to: perched precariously on the edge while four kids  pile themselves on and around me.
Secondly, reread Twilight means that I get through two lines, then have to get up to:

  • get freezies… which apparently The Mayor of Crazy Town was supposed to outlaw http://crazytownmayor.com/blog/ 
  • let the dogs in because they are too hot
  • let the dogs back out because they want to be with me
  • clean out the pool because Terran decides he wants to go in
  • poop scoop because Terran wants to play soccer on the grass
  • help Terran look for the soccer ball
  • argue with the other kids to play soccer with Terran

And if I am not doing one of the above, I am answering their questions:

  • what are we having for supper
  •  are we going anywhere today
  • are we going out for supper 
  • why can’t we do something
  • when are we going to go somewhere
  • are we going anywhere tomorrow
  • why does Zoe get to have more room on the chair
  • why does Terran get to sit on you
  • why am I rereading Twilight
  • do I love Edward

Then later that night, le husband says to me, “You really should get the kids off their Xbox. You’ve had the whole day to yourself.”

Ok. Whole day to myself.

I do verbalize to him that he is an asshole his comment was inappropriate and uncalled for, to which he replies, “I didn’t mean it that way,” which translates to, “Oh shit! Now she’s gonna flip out and we’re going to have to talk about her emotions!”

But it’s too late. The damage is done. I walk away pissed off, but inside I’m feeling guilty as heck. So Thursday morning, I wake up before the kids so I can clean the floors, scrub the toilets, vaccum, and poop scoop. I do this mostly because I feel guilty that it hadn’t been done the day before when I “had the whole day” to myself.

Then when the kids wake up, I announce that we are going to Pizza Hut with my mom for lunch. Fun, right! Spending time together.

Ok. I’m good right. This makes up for the “whole day” I had to myself the day before, right?

Nope. My mother, who as it turns out does read my blog (surprise surprise) advises me in a reproving tone that in my blog 1. I use foul language too often and 2. it sounds like I don’t like my kids.

Ok. The guilt. Imagine it.

So I go home, invite 80 kids over…ok, not 80. Just 2.

I sit on the deck WITHOUT a book, so I can be accessible to all their wants and desires. Going in the pool! That’s great! Let me get some towels. Going in the house? Oh, ok. Let me follow behind you so I can wipe down the water as you drip all over my clean floors. Going back in the pool? Alright, that sounds like fun. Here, let me untangle the wet bathing suit you threw off and left to soak on your bedroom carpet. Let’s put some sunscreen on you. Oh, you don’t like how this one smells? Let me find the other kind, the kind that smells like coconuts. Freezies? We got ‘em! Popcorn? Coming right up! Thirsty? Here’s some juice boxes? You don’t like grape? Here’s cherry? Don’t like that either…? Here’s some cool refreshing water from the fucken hose kid!

I’m sorry. But after four hours of this. I didn’t feel guilty one bit about tossing overcooked chicken nuggets and burnt very very crispy french fries at them for supper. Because normally, NORMALLY, I feel too guilty to feed my kids that kind of shit.

 

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15 Responses to Oh the guilt…
  1. Nancy
    July 10, 2010 | 1:37 pm

    Don't feel bad, we all feel that way from one time to another. Not to mention husbands, bless their souls, are experts at making you feel like you don't do crap all all day. Which they often do without meaning to. But, I understand your frustration, that's why we have selective hearing. LOL. All those kids questions we are able to answer with one word answers! Hang in there lady! :D

  2. Menopausal New Mom
    July 10, 2010 | 9:47 pm

    I think all moms feel guilt from time to time so trust you, you aren't alone :)

    Thanks for finding me, I'm following you back too!

  3. KLZ
    July 10, 2010 | 10:08 pm

    I completely understand everything you're saying…especially the stupid husband comments. How they can make you feel furious and awful all at once without even realizing it.

  4. Mrsblogalot
    July 11, 2010 | 8:09 am

    OK Sandra, I think I love you.

    And I would never interrupt your Twilight reading. There is even a rule in my house about that I think.

    Or maybe it's just my growl that scares them away…I get confused sometimes.

    Ahhh…do vampires feel as much guilt as we do?

  5. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    July 11, 2010 | 1:57 pm

    As a Catholic, I was riding the guilt train way before I became a mom. It's only gotten worse since my kiddo was born. I'm glad to know I'm not the only "I don't give a shit I'm not supermom" mom out there. In fact, I think we should start a club where we eat chocolate and complain about those moms.

  6. Pamela
    July 11, 2010 | 10:12 pm

    Oh, yeah, the deadly combination of kid/husband/mother guilt. It's a killer, alright. I only have the one kid and he does exactly what yours do. So, you actually made me feel just a tiny bit less guilty over just having the one kid with no one but me to bug, I mean play with:)

  7. YogaSavy
    July 11, 2010 | 10:27 pm

    An guilty! Was on that train as well. It happens to all of us and we just need to know when to stop and when it is real.

  8. Bibliomama
    July 11, 2010 | 11:00 pm

    Recovering Catholic here too. Is it okay if I say your husband and your mother should maybe take a flying f*ck at a rolling doughnut? I don't think anyone who keeps four kids alive for six consecutive days in a row should be ALLOWED to feel guilty.

  9. The Planet Pink
    July 12, 2010 | 12:23 am

    Oh girl. We live the same life.

  10. The Mayor!
    July 12, 2010 | 1:39 am

    Didn't you hear?? The brats pulled a mutiny while house bound during the heat wave, locked me in the closet til I solemnly vowed to buy "those infernal freezies" again! Evil geniuses they are!

    Come & walk the red carpet in Crazy Town chickie, & bring your acceptance speech!

    :-D

  11. Kim
    July 12, 2010 | 10:06 am

    Hi, I just started following your blog via the blog hop. I can't wait to read more!

  12. Poppy
    July 12, 2010 | 12:27 pm

    Ya me days should include getting the fuck out of the house sister!

  13. JennyJenJen
    July 12, 2010 | 7:03 pm

    I just love you.

    im sitting here at borders supposed to be writing, and researching shit for work, but instead im reading your blog, listening to the new brandon boyd album i just illegally downloaded, and eyeing the cute boy to my right.. Except im LOLing to myself because you crack me up and now he probably thinks im insane and have an imaginary friend who talks to me and i laugh.. yeah..

  14. Nan
    July 13, 2010 | 6:05 am

    I found you from Happy Friday,Now I'm follow you,

    Please visit my community on BlogFrog and my blog as follow;

    http://theblogfrog.com/1233755

    http://beonefineday.blogspot.com/

    Have a nice day.

    Nan

  15. Semi-Slacker Mom
    July 14, 2010 | 10:24 pm

    That sounds just like my house!

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