I would rather give birth

Yearly dental appointment. Seriously, worse day of the year for me.
And the dental hygienist I had today must have been new to the profession.
Or just pissed off.
‘Cause it felt like she was using the picky thing that scrapes off the tartar as a jackhammer. At one point, she was pretty much kneeling on the seat and had both of her hands jammed into my mouth, plowing at my teeth. There was plaque flying all over the mother fucken place.

But I don’t like to complain. Much.
So I lay there rigidly, my hands clasped on my chest. It was so evident I was uncomfortable.
And she wasn’t spraying my mouth with water or using the suctioning device. I had drool pooling in the back of my throat and rolling down my chin. I was thinking, “Bitch, clean me up!” But I didn’t move because I was frightened that she’d slip and take an eye out.

I desperately wanted to take my shoes off and curl my legs up under me while she chiseled away at my mouth. But I was wearing my Sketchers without socks so I was afraid my feet would stink. I didn’t think that foot odor would add any great comfort to the situation.

Finally she put that nauseating foamie fluoride shit in my mouth. The whole time she was counting to 60, I was eyeing the door, wondering if I could make a run for it. I knew there was an even scarier ordeal to contend with next.

I was getting some very minor surgery done on my bottom gum.The little flap of skin that attaches the inside of the bottom lip to the bottom gum is very short. As a result of this, when I talk or eat, it pulls my gums down and they are receding. I had the same dentist for 11 years. And for 11 years she would  tell me I wasn’t flossing enough, I was flossing too much, I was brushing too hard, I wasn’t brushing enough. “Your gums keep receding, you need to smarten up.”

Then I moved to a place that had real dentists who had real training, and the first thing she said to me upon my first visit was, “That little flappy skin thing on your bottom gum is too short so it’s pulling your gums down.”…alright, clearly she didn’t say little flappy skin thing. Whatever. But it needed to be snipped, and then ta-da! No more gum receding.

After 3 years of putting it off (because the dentist told me my chin might be slightly bruised the next day, and well… come on people, she said my chin might be slightly bruised the next day, there should be no further explanation required) I finally booked the appointment and committed to getting the surgery done.

Turns out the worst part was getting the bottom part of my mouth frozen. I was talking like that guy from Fat Albert. I was like, “How do I look? Is my chin in my lap?” And she was like, “You look the same, you look fine.”
Just fine? That’s it? But I’m having a terrific hair day?
But well, I didn’t persist on that line of questioning because I also felt like I might be drooling so I kept patting my mouth with tissue.

Of course when the freezing wore off, I felt like shit. I went out to Boston Pizza with my friend and our kids, and I could barely eat because I could barely open my mouth. I ordered yam fries and had to kind of poke them one by one into this small opening in my mouth, and when I’d miss my mark, I’d get the spicy mayo all over my face.

Moments before sitting down to write this post, I gargled with lukewarm water and salt. Ummm. Salt? I had to be peeled off the ceiling afterwards.

I’ll feel better tomorrow. But for today, I feel entitled to moan and groan, and write this titillating post about it. You know, just in case anybody out there would like to send me flowers. Or chocolate. To cheer me up. You know, kind of like a “Get Well” present. Only make sure the chocolates are tiny so I can just pop them into the small opening of my mouth, but not so small that they’d be considered a choking hazard. That would suck.
Thank you for your kindness and consideration in this matter.

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23 Responses to I would rather give birth
  1. Brooke
    July 23, 2010 | 1:15 am

    OH MY GOSH…Are going to survive this life altering surgery??!! Please don't croak…the blogosphere needs you…I need you!

    AND…what in the world are YAM fries?? Is that another Canada thing? Weirdos.

    Hope you are feeling spiffy real, real soon (I said that in a Texan accent just to make up for my Yam fries comment).

  2. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    July 23, 2010 | 7:34 am

    I like my dentist because he gives me Xanax for my appointment. Usually the prescription is about two more pills then I actually need. I save them for rainy days.

  3. Amanda
    July 23, 2010 | 9:30 am

    I'm telling you, the dentist is no fun. Last fall I had my first cavity filled and I was terrified. The dentist was fine — actually, he was great because he calmed me down and was pretty funny. But it's the first time I'd actually SEEN the dentist in the year and a half I'd been seeing him. What are we paying for, exactly? Hope you feel better!

  4. Eileen
    July 23, 2010 | 10:28 am

    I am hysterical about this. I used to have a dental hygienist who was like a torturer, so I can relate.
    Here is a box of chocolates for you [::::] Don't eat em all at once! :)

  5. kyooty
    July 23, 2010 | 1:06 pm

    I believe that Dentists are RICH!

  6. Annikke
    July 23, 2010 | 5:48 pm

    I am not a big fan of the dentist either and had a horrible, scary thing happen last year (I won't go into details – let's just say I may never go back!)

  7. I am Harriet
    July 23, 2010 | 7:01 pm

    Stopping by from Friday-Follow to thank you for participating.
    Have a great weekend!

  8. Pamela
    July 23, 2010 | 11:23 pm

    Bahaha! You kill me! But Jesus H. Christ, I think I had that same dental hygienist, only wait, no, mine was a guy. I swear it used to feel like he was tearing my gums apart not to mention scraping every last bit of enamel off my teeth. Then they switched me to a crazy old bat that took like 2 hours and cleaned my teeth like she was dusting china with a feather!

  9. Stacey @ ecomodern mom
    July 23, 2010 | 11:55 pm

    Hello, found you on friday-follow, following from EcoModern Mom. Have a great weekend!

    Stacey @ http://www.ecomodernmom.com

  10. citymouse
    July 24, 2010 | 8:34 am

    My husband wanted to be a dentist until I told him I hated dentists and could never have sex with him because all I would think about was how I hate dentists. Needless to say, he chose another career!

    And I know all about frenulums! I had surgery on my upper one. Totally sucked. I even have a visible scar from the stitches. (What a lovely keepsake!)

  11. Aging Mommy
    July 24, 2010 | 9:38 am

    Oh I so need to go to the dentist, I keep putting it off and putting it off some more but your post has made me decide I can wait a little while longer maybe :-) There is nothing worse than the numb mouth feeling and trying to eat before it wears off is a near impossibility. Very humorously written!

  12. HeartsMakeFamilies
    July 24, 2010 | 10:39 am

    Hello stopping in from Friday-FOllow. Love this post. But it made me squirm too lol.


  13. Semi-Slacker Mom
    July 24, 2010 | 10:43 am

    Sooo. Did you have a bruise? :)

  14. The mad woman behind the blog
    July 24, 2010 | 10:53 am

    Holla at ya sista! Oh, wait, still a white girl, damn.

    You realize you have 215 readers that will now put of proper dental care because of this post. How do your gums feel about that?

    I LOVE Yam fries. Hmmm, spicy mayo. YUM!

    And I would like the number and address of Laura's dentist. In exchange, I'll get my teeth cleaned once a month.

    Thank you.

  15. Nan
    July 24, 2010 | 1:20 pm

    I found you from Comment Club,Thanks for sharing nice blog.

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    Have a nice day.


  16. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    July 24, 2010 | 1:33 pm

    Hope your feeling up to full size chocolate today! I'm taking my kids to the dentist this week but I really don't want to because I'm afraid they will yell at me for what They are doing..

  17. Show Me Mama
    July 24, 2010 | 4:39 pm

    I am your new follower from Bloggy Moms. You can visit me at http://showmemama.blogspot.com

  18. The Empress
    July 24, 2010 | 4:56 pm

    Come to my dentist, my anxiety is so high, I get a liquid valium prescription before the visit (hey, you canadians…can you set me up with this for cheap???) (-:

    I kid! I kid!

  19. Midwestern Mama Holly
    July 24, 2010 | 9:27 pm

    Ewwww. I would rather take a beating than go to the dentist. Good luck!

  20. Lolo
    July 25, 2010 | 1:16 am

    You are too funny. I am odd, I love going to the dentist. Thanks for visiting my blog! Lolo@
    Crazy About My Baybah

  21. tsue1136
    July 25, 2010 | 8:49 am

    Love your voice! I'm reminded of having my wisdom teeth extracted. All was well at the beginning, during the happy gas stage, when the trolls on the dental surgeon's window sill were dancing and singing. It was later that day, when I couldn't manage to get a popsicle into my mouth when things starting taking a serious turn for the worse!

    Stopping by from Friday Follow and am now following you on GFC.


  22. Shining 2 Save
    July 25, 2010 | 8:26 pm

    Hi, I am a newest follower from Friday Follow!

    Hope you have a great week!

    Kari @ http://shining2save.blogspot.com

  23. Lies We Tell Ourselves
    July 29, 2010 | 12:22 am

    HATE HATE HATE the dentist!

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