I didn't sign up for this… oh right, I did…

Disclaimer: There may be four-letter expletives throughout the course of this post. Some ranting. Definitely some raving. If you’re looking for MaryFuckingSunshine, go somewhere else.

I know you aren’t used to me bitching. I’m usually happy-go-lucky, glass is half-full, everything is coming up roses ~cue to peels of hysterical laughter~ But I went on a class fieldtrip today. For those of you who know me and my love of sticky, little two-legged creatures, you’ll know this was no easy task for me, and one that I have been dreading ever since I stupidly volunteered.

Why did I volunteer? ‘Cause I’m an idiot.

And ’cause the boy in the picture below asked me to.

Cute, right.
This boy, Terran, is 6 and a half years old. He’s done three years of school: nursery school, kindergarten, and now, grade one. He came out of my womb, and as a result of this, I feel strong maternal urges towards him.
Somehow, I have managed to avoid every single fucken field trip thrown my way. But today, my luck ended.
This is me in the picture below, moments before meeting my fate…
Note the great hair.
I know, I know, it’s not a big deal going on a field trip. I have four kids. It’s not beyond the scope of my capabilities to keep track of six. So what am I bitching for, right?
Well, for one thing, I did this because Terran asked me to. And when Terran asks any of us to do anything, we all happily oblige. ‘Cause he’s fucken cute. He’s got this “It” factor happening. You know how in “American Idol” Simon is always telling people about the “It” factor? Well, my kid has “It.” And I’m not just saying that because of the coming-out-of-my-womb thing either. I don’t say this about my other kids. My other kids are fine. They’re swell. But this kid doesn’t even have to do a damn thing, and people are pointing at him, telling me how adorable he is. I’m not kidding. The kid is standing there, pulling the gitch out of his ass, and people are like, “He’s sooooo cute!” Ok, the pulling the gitch out of his ass line was crass, but seriously, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing. Standing still. Hopping on one foot. Walking. Parasailing. Cute I tell ya.
So I put everything on hold to go meet the school bus at the zoo. First of all, while I’m waiting for the bus to arrive, I have to endure the other mothers chatting about stupid shit. And again, I’m not being mean. They are chatting about stupid shit. Seriously, you’re going to tell us about each and every article of clothing that you bought for your kid for the summer? Really? I. Don’t. Care.
But I don’t leave the group because I’m convinced someone is going to say something better. Right? Wrong. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. It went from shorts and sandales, to being called on their cell phones when they’re in a different city and they now have to pay roaming charges. Shoot me.
Maybe the conversation got better? I wouldn’t know though, because I walked away and stared at an ant.
Then the bus pulls up. Ok. This is what I came here for. The cute kid is going to leap from the bus and run into my arms, and I’ll be the envy of all the mothers because my kid is the cutest.
Nope.
My kid runs off the bus, runs right by me, then runs into the zoo.
The TEACHER has to call him back to tell him to stay with his group leader. Group leader? I’m his fucken mother! How ’bout that? How ’bout “Stay with your fucken mother!”
So he does. But he doesn’t hold my hand, as I had hoped thought he would. He doesn’t accept water from me. He doesn’t want my snacks. He doesn’t even want to talk to me. Because I’m not a 6 year old. The only time he does acknowledge me is at the end of the day, after he’s been on a train ride around the zoo, and is nauseous from the smell of the diesel. Then… THEN when he’s ready to hurl, then he wants me. To. Hold. The. Bag. In. Case. He. Vomits.
Ok. So not a terribly big deal. My kid didn’t really need me there. I could have stayed home and surfed blogs for 6 hours. But I didn’t. I hiked through the zoo, swatting at mosquitoes, listening to the mothers who insisted on following me because… I don’t know why. I’m such a bitch to all of them. It must be the great hair.

iv align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But on top of this, I had to keep track of other people’s progeny, and hope they didn’t fall off rocks or get eaten by a lion. Or simply wander off into the next province.

Cue: Will.
See how far Will is? Well, Will was always this far behind. I spent several hours calling to him or running to get him, because it would seem that Will can’t follow simple directions like, “Stay the fuck with the group!”
No, of course I did not drop the f-bomb in his presence. Much… Well, he couldn’t hear me, I’m pretty sure.
By the end of the day, I needed a nap. I will say though that I started the morning off with 6 children, and at the end of the day, I handed 6 of them back to the teacher. And I’m pretty sure they were all the ones that I started out with. Yeah me!
Below, gratuitous exploitation of my 6 year old…

See, he is cute, right.I’m not just being my usual vain and narcissistic self.
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22 Responses to I didn't sign up for this… oh right, I did…
  1. Jane
    June 29, 2010 | 9:49 am

    Too funny. What we moms put up with, huh? New follower from TTA. ;)

  2. Bree
    June 29, 2010 | 10:00 am

    You are great! Thanks so much for linking up this week! http://www.breeBee.com, I am following you!

  3. Rebecca
    June 29, 2010 | 10:49 am

    He is totally cute! I want one of those!

  4. Poppy
    June 29, 2010 | 11:48 am

    You crack me up. I've got one average kid, one downright homely one, and one cute one too.

    I hear on so many levels. I'm not a fan of field trips or innane small talk. You survived and you never have to do it again!

  5. jenskie
    June 29, 2010 | 12:25 pm

    hi, following you from FMBT. have a nice day and oh, pls follow back.
    I love to be your new blogger pal. tnx!

    -jenskie
    http://jennyescano.blogspot.com

  6. ~J
    June 29, 2010 | 12:32 pm

    New follower from Follow Me Back Tuesday…where have you been my whole life? LOVE your blog & am adding you to my blog roll..your account of the day is awesome!

  7. Tiffany
    June 29, 2010 | 12:53 pm

    Thanks for following!

    I am returning the favor!
    Tiffany from Dreams Do Come True
    My Blog Click Here!

  8. Erin Wallace
    June 29, 2010 | 1:30 pm

    Following from TTA – hope to see you at Dropped Stitches!

    xo Erin

  9. Busy Working Mama
    June 29, 2010 | 1:45 pm

    Hi! I'm your latest follower from Follow Me Back Tuesday. Yes, your sone does have the IT factor. I can she how you were snared :)

    http://www.busyworkingmama.com

    Have a great day!

  10. Staycee
    June 29, 2010 | 2:21 pm

    Following back from FMBT.. Thanks for linking up . Have a great week
    Staycee ( Survey Junkie )

  11. Marvelous Mommy
    June 29, 2010 | 3:06 pm

    He is a cutie! I love the "He came out of my womb, and as a result of this, I feel strong maternal urges towards him."

    Oh and I love the shades! I have some sunglasses that look just like that!

  12. Great(ish) Expectations
    June 29, 2010 | 3:06 pm

    Hahaha this is f'in hilarious! When I'm a mom someday, this is how I'm gonna be too!

  13. Great(ish) Expectations
    June 29, 2010 | 3:08 pm

    Oh- and P.S. I found you on followback Tuesdays and would love to have you as a follower too!

  14. Crazy Brunette
    June 29, 2010 | 8:45 pm

    HAHAHA!!!

    What the fuck were you thinking going on a school fieldtrip???

    Holy Fucking shit hole!

    If I went the kids would be scarred for life… and they're favorite phrase would be… "FUCK ME"!!!!

  15. Helena
    June 29, 2010 | 8:49 pm

    Funny post! Try not to be so narcissistic! (Kidding)! Found you on followback Tuesday!

  16. Sarah
    June 29, 2010 | 10:28 pm

    I'm a new follower from Follow Me Back Tuesday.
    I hope you'll come check me out at PS Mom Reviews and follow me too!
    I have fun giveaways going on now, including one for an $80 GC to CSNstores.com!

  17. jenskie
    June 29, 2010 | 10:32 pm

    hi! thanks for following back and oh yes, I found a fellow twifan :) . and, oh i love your baby boy, so adorable kid…

  18. Ms Bibi
    June 29, 2010 | 11:58 pm

    Lmao, I just finished overnight trip with 2nd graders. Talk about torture. Why I did it? Because I too gave birth to 7 year old who has IT as well. Can't say NO to that child. My 13 year old can offer to pay me I won't do for him what I'll do for his brother. He just doesn't have IT,lol.

  19. ♥Yaya's Mommy ♥
    June 30, 2010 | 12:03 am

    Happy Tuesday. I am your newest follower from Follow Me Back Tuesday. Thank you for following me too. :)
    Best wishes,
    Cindi
    http://littleyayasandblessed.blogspot.com/

  20. Belly Charms
    June 30, 2010 | 12:36 am

    I am following you from 2sday and this is hilarious. No one ever gets to see my good hair. I just throw on a ball cap. Thanks for the story. Loved it!!

  21. MamaTink
    June 30, 2010 | 10:29 am

    I am following from Follow Me Back Tuesday. I love the title of your blog! You are funny!

  22. npc23
    June 30, 2010 | 6:09 pm

    You are hilarious! I absolutely loved and LOL'd at your pic, you do have great hair but you seem so "enthused" hahaha I love it! Terran, well, he sure is a cutie!

    -NPC

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